Alysson deMerel's Fiction

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Dressing Up - A Romance

The events in this tale are based, very loosely, on some of my real experiences over more than a few years - not all of them actually first-hand, I have just dressed them up in a continuous narrative, inserted different characters and added a pinch (alright, an armload) of the fantastic. The characters as portrayed are entirely fictional, and any resemblance to any real person living or dead is just a sad coincidence. The Isle of Wight was just as I have described it. I've never been back since.

The endocrinology that I have subjected Ally/Lamb to is false science, it was designed to get the ending I desired.

I'm sorry that there is no happy ending. Please feel free to write your own instead of the ending I was given.

This story is dedicated to the real Andy, Pippa and Josie in my life. I wish things could have been very different. For one thing, all of us might have still been alive today. My real Andy and I may even have been together yet.

1. The First Time

Let me take you back to the mid-seventies, when I was fourteen. Now, the school I attended was a bit, you might say, straight laced. Old fashioned, I suppose. We were fed a wholesome mix of freedom and responsibility, and some peculiarly British morals. It was a grammar school, so we were supposedly all of above average intelligence.

One of the things our teachers tried to instil in us, with mixed success, was tolerance. Tolerance, not only of racial and social differences, but other differences. There was little trouble, so I guess that the tolerance thing worked, by and large.

That was the year that my parents got divorced, and I went to live with my father. Getting rid of my mother was probably the best birthday present anyone could have given me back then. It's a shame that nobody thought of it earlier.

Anyway, after the initial novelty of being free of her, my dad and I settled into a kind of routine. I started studying for my O-levels, and he started finding himself girlfriends. When he brought them home, it was like some kind of insane role-reversal. He'd introduce them to me, and I'd look them over between getting on with my homework and going to make our dinner. Incidentally, we shared the cooking during those early days.

Oh yes, and my nickname is Lamb. The why will become crystal clear.

At school, I was in with a small group of science geeks. Yes, our average IQ was well above 140, and we shared most of our classes. Unlike my friends, I was also a bit athletic. I was heavily into Judo then, and worked out in the school gym as part of my training program. They generally hung around during the gym periods, looking busy while I pushed weights with some of the regular jocks. Anyone in the weights room was unsupervised, since we were 'obviously' there to do some serious working-out and not to goof-off.

During those gym classes there were a few girls began to join us. Two in particular looked to me to show them how to work out. Josie and Pippa were inseparable, and as alike as snow and coal. Josie was dark and moody; Pippa was blonde and bubbly. Josie and Pippa started hanging around with the geek crew. Nobody said a thing about this. They even started bringing sandwich lunches and joined us in the geeks dining room.

Strangely, Josie and I looked very much alike. We had been taken to be twins by several people, including my girlfriend, Kelsa.

Kelsa dumped me just in time for the summer holiday, and my final year at school began with me being a free agent once again. Josie and Pippa both saw this as an opportunity, but what kind of opportunity, I had no idea until a few weeks before Christmas.

It was in the weights room.

"Lamb, Pippa and I were thinking that it would be fun to pull a stunt on the staff. There's loads of people want us to do it, and are willing to put up money for charity week."

I was worried. What kind of thing? I may be crazy, but I'm not stupid.

"What stunt? Who's going to get hurt?"

"Nobody's going to get hurt. Arnold and the others'll see to that."

Arnold was the biggest of the school jocks. Luckily, I could count him as a friend. He was the other major user of the weights room. He was nodding like a loon, a grin extending all the way beyond his ears.

"Then, who's going to get expelled? We've got exams this summer?"

"Nobody'll get expelled. It's just a charity stunt. April 28th would be good, the third day of term."

"Then what?"

"You and I are going to trade places for the day."

"No way! We'd get caught first time we showed our faces! The head'll go off his rocker!"

"Yes, way. Pippa and I have tried my bit, and Arnold's seen the result, haven't you Arnold?"

"Yeah. It was seriously scary seeing your face on top of Jo's shoulders, mate. You do look kind of alike."

I was unconvinced. Josie carried on trying.

"Look, come over to my place on Saturday, and we'll see how it looks like it'll pan out? Besides, I want to see you outside of school for a change."

She kissed me chastely on the cheek, and I agreed to give it a try out.

Saturday saw me at Josie's house. Pippa was there, but Josie's mother was away. Her grandmother was there, and she knew about the plot (evil, scheming old woman that she was. She was just a bit scary for me, since she looked like an older version of both Josie and myself..)

I was handed a ladies razor and told to shave (something I had to do by then, sparse but often as they say).

Pippa sat us side by side and began working on us. We were both wearing white tee-shirts. I noticed that Josie had bound her breasts, and looked rather boyish without her admittedly minimalist bust in evidence.

It was fashionable for boys to wear their hair long-ish and in a page-boy bob at that time, and by the time Pippa had finished, there were the two of us, hair pulled back in black Alice-bands, made up to look like each other, almost.

We sat and looked in the mirror. All that either of us could say was 'wow.'

Josie's grandma came upstairs. She grinned.

"It looks like your little stunt may just work. Let's hear you both speak?"

"What do you want me to say?" I asked, in my recently cracked, light tenor.

"Yeah, Gramma, what do we say?" Pippa had relaxed her throat, and the light voice I heard sounded not unlike my own (I always hated having to listen to recordings of my own voice!)

Grandma began to laugh.

"You even sound like twins. Are you going to try the rest?"

Josie nodded, looking at me. "I'm game if you are? It'll be worth your while, I promise. And we've got a hundred in sponsorship already."

I thought. There was no way I could get out of this honourably. The school's charity for that year was one of my personal favourites, and with that sort of sponsorship, I couldn't turn her down.

"Okay, but I assume that there's something else?"

She nodded. "You've got to learn to be a teenage girl."

I glared at her. Gramma turned and left, still chuckling to herself.

"And I," she continued, "have got to learn to be a teenage boy. We don't need to swot up on each other's classes, since April 28th is a Wednesday."

I laughed. It was almost the first day of term, and we shared classes for the whole day. No gym class, either.

"Okay, you're on! If, and this is a big if... if we can pull it off after some rehearsal time?"

"Yes, I agree. Only if we think that we can get away with it after we've practised. Now, let's finish changing me into you and you into me."

I looked nonplussed.

"Strip to your smalls!"

I shrugged. I wasn't ashamed of my body. Well, not much, anyway. I stripped to my y-fronts.

I pulled off my tee-shirt and jeans. Josie did likewise. I had averted my gaze, since I felt that I should act like a gentleman.

"It's okay, twit, you can look. I'm decent."

I opened my eyes. She had a bandage around her chest, and she was wearing a bikini bottom.

She eyed my torso critically.

"Hell, Lamb! You've got almost as much up top as I have!"

I looked down my chest. When I had started puberty, I had put on a fair amount of fat on my chest, and sure enough, it looked like I had budding breasts. With a sports tee on, it just looked like I had well-developed pectorals, but stripped? No.

"I'm not alone there. Chris's chest looks like his mother's. He has to keep them bound up if he doesn't want to be ragged about them! Almost half of the boys are my shape. Why do you think we all wear sports tees and don't go swimming?"

"But why, Lamb?"

"The nurse said that it happens a lot. Its called Gynecomastia. The hormones when we start puberty just go a bit crazy. When our chests fill out, the effect is usually hidden, but until then..."

She nodded and blushed. She unbound her breasts. It was my turn to blush. She had small breasts, true enough, but they were, ah, perkier than the purportedly temporary protuberances I sported.

"I think I prefer yours, Josie. They, ah, match the rest of the décor."

"I'd rather see yours first thing in the morning, though Lamb."

I didn't figure that one out for another year, but that's another story.

Pippa spoke up. "Come on, enough 'true confessions,' let's get this show on the road. The day's a wasting!"

Josie wrapped her chest once more and pulled my jeans on followed by my tee. Biting my lip, and half hoping that her jeans would look daft on me, I pulled on her clothes.

Pippa eyed us critically.

"Close," she finally proclaimed. "Jo, I'm sorry love, Lamb fills your jeans better than you do. I don't know how, but his hips are larger than yours?"

"He's got a fat ass," Josie growled.

"But you've got nicer tits, Josie," I answered. Josie's frown lessened and she managed to essay a glimmer of a smile.

Pippa looked relieved. "You'll manage - if you can act like each other."

I tensed my throat. I mimicked Josie's delivery, "how can you expect me to act like him?"

Pippa broke down in fits of laughter. Josie just looked upset again. She tried to raise the eyebrow, and failed. More peals of laughter followed, redoubled when I did so.

"Lamb, just how do you do that Spock look?"

"Just purse your lips a bit, frown slightly and raise one eyebrow. You might have to hold one eyebrow down until you manage it on your own. Oh, I raise my left eyebrow, if anyone's interested."

I proceeded to raise and lower each in turn, resulting in more laughter.

"Right! Shoes. Let's get the shoes on."

Josie shoved her feet into my shoes. A perfect fit. I placed my own in her shoes, stood up and teetered.

"Not bad for a first timer. Now walk."

We both walked. I, unsteadily in low heels, Josie mincingly in men's flats. Pippa pulled a face.

An hour of hilarity later, we had managed the difficulties of walking like each other. Josie now had something of the sliding gait of the serious martial artist, but only if she remembered. I was able to move about on those narrow heels without breaking my ankle, but still looked like I was on the verge of toppling.

Lunch was eaten with Grandma. I was starting to get the hang of walking like a girl, and Josie was starting to look quite masculine as she wandered about.

On the way downstairs Pippa asked, "Lamb, are you sure that you're a boy? I mean, Kelsa wasn't, I mean, err, really into, ah, girls was she?"

I subjected Pippa to The Stare. Yes, it rated the capitals, even back then.

Josie giggled. "No, Pip, I just realised that I can see that Lamb's a boy. She fills out my jeans a bit in, ahh, unexpected places?"

I snorted. "And you totally fail to have the right shape in those self-same places, Jo!"

I won that round, she blushed beet red.

Grandma, however, was extremely impressed.

Happily, Josie was into food in a big way. I didn't have to learn to eat daintily or in tiny amounts for this stunt.

"Gramma? Lamb's got a bit of a problem with an unladylike bulge. Any suggestions?"

The old woman grinned impishly.

"Yes, dear, there's a device that your Granddad used when we were involved in amateur dramatics. Its called a gaff. He always reckoned it was a bit uncomfortable, but it gave him a good line for a dress. There's something for ladies, too, but I used to use one of his socks."

Josie looked shocked. "You both cross-dressed?"

"Of course, dear, when there weren't enough men, or ladies for the chorus-line, we used to help out. We actually did one show with only three of the real ladies we needed." She giggled.

"Would you like me to try and find Robert's gaff, so you can make one for Lamb? Robert's would be too large for Lamb, I think."

Josie nodded.

Mid afternoon saw me fitted with a home-sewn gaff, and Josie with one of my socks down the front of her pants. I won't go into the sordid details of having a gaff made to measure, and fitted by two giggling teenage girls. Well, not all of them.

"Lamb, are you sure that you're not like Jace? I mean, err..."

Pippa got The Stare once more. "I'm just too much of a gentleman to get that out of hand, that's all."

"Then you've got more won't power than Arnold. I only have to smile at him, and ..."

"Madam! What do you think I am? Am I made of wood?"

"No, that's just the point - you should be."

"You've got cold fingers! Besides, if I can't keep myself under control, then it'll give the game away."

"The y-fronts look wrong. I can see the seams. You're going to have to put a pair of Josie's knickers on."

I looked mortified.

Josie started to take her bikini-bottom off. I closed my eyes.

"Open your eyes, Lamb. Fair's fair. We've seen yours, now you can see mine."

I kept my eyes closed. She put her arms around me and kissed my lips.

"You're too much of a gentleman for your own good, Lamb. Now get those y-fronts off."

I stripped my pants, although I was now far from naked.

In a few minutes I was dressed entirely in Josie's clothes, and she in mine (except that her socks were her own. One of mine was down the front of her y-fronts).

"There's one thing left, Lamb."

I looked at them.

Josie told me to take off the tee. Pippa held up a bra.

"Na! Na na na naaa!"

"Lamb, stop being a sissy, and put it on!"

She realised what she had just said, and to whom and of what. She started giggling, and carried on until she was short of breath, tears running down her face. It hurt to watch.

"Please, Lamb, just put it on. We'll stuff it with tissues, or something."

I put it on.

"Are you absolutely certain that you're not really and truly a girl, Lamb?"

"Yes I am, and I'm not! Now why?"

"You put on a bra first time without thinking about it."

"Beginner's luck! Besides, I helped K... ah."

"Oh-ho-ho! True confessions! Kiss and tell, is it?"

"Uhm... I'm not the only one..." I mumbled.

"Oh?"

"Not saying who. Besides, that's why Kelsa threw me. Wanted some ooh-arr and dumped me for some sixth-former from the Comp. Said I wasn't man enough for her. Looks like she might have been right!"

I managed a wry smile. For the fist time since she had dumped me, I felt good about Kelsa being out of my life. She'd even changed schools, going to that same Comprehensive up the road.

The bra was snug. Like I said, Josie didn't have much up top, comfortably filling an A-cup. So, it seems, did I.

Dressed and brushed, I was disturbed to see a teenage girl slouching in Josie's mirror, and that girl was me, even if she did look like Josie.

We wandered downstairs.

I called out, mimicking Josie. "Gramma? Lamb's going now. He'll be back tomorrow."

She emerged from the kitchen.

"Ta ta, Lamb. Has it been a successful day?"

Josie answered in her husky voice. "Yes, but we still need to work on a few things."

She raised an eyebrow, just about managing to pull it off without dragging the other one upward.

"Good, I'm glad that you're willing to play dress-up for charity. I'll see you in the morning."

The three of us started laughing. The old woman looked nonplussed, then she realised that we had actually done it.

"Well, well, well. Not bad for a day's work. Shame on you for pulling the wool over an old woman's eyes like that. Fancy playing a trick on your old Gramma, Josie! Now, I suppose that I'll have to take you all out for a meal in order to celebrate?"

She wouldn't take no for an answer. I 'phoned home to let my father know that I'd be late home. He told me that he was going out for the evening, so he'd see me in the morning. Fine by me. I'd be able to go and get some decent clothes on.

Ha!

2 Taken for a Ride

"Oh no you don't. You're not getting out of this that easily, Lamb. We're going to your place to get me dressed. I'm going to pick out the clothes that I'd wear tonight. You get the pick of what you'd wear."

"Hrrmphh!"

"Ohhh! Doesn't she pout pretty!"

"No I do not, and what's with the 'she'? I'm male, and I have a name!"

"Hush, Lamb. You were pouting, and you've stuck with the habit of speaking like Josie. Besides, you don't look like any boy I've ever met!"

I calmed down a bit. I smiled ruefully at Josie's grandmother. "I'm sorry, Gramma. It's just that being around this rough boys makes me a grouch."

I didn't dare say at the time, but I was feeling good about the whole thing. Here I was, playing nice with two beautiful girls, I wasn't under pressure to be macho-macho, and I was starting to enjoy being allowed to give vent to my more theatrical inclinations. Beside, I have to say that the clothing, not so very different from my own, was a more comfortable fit. I never realised until then that I was more comfortable in snugly-fitting clothes.

Josie blushed. "How the ... How did you know that's what I say?"

"I have a pretty good memory for useless information - if you've been paying attention in class. You call all of the mob 'rough', males of the species are always 'boys' and you often call someone 'a grouch'. You also call Pippa 'Pips' when you're sharing secrets."

"So what expressions do you use that I haven't noticed, then clever-clogs?"

"A few things. Time enough to fix them later, and mostly at home. The big thing, though, is the Tribble-call."

I made the cooing noise and mimed the action of stroking a small furry powder-puff in my hand.

"Oh, the dove call. I keep meaning to ask ... ?"

"Star Trek episode. Cute little fur-balls that eat, multiply and make cooing noises. It confuses the academic staff. Now, let's go get pretty. Then we'll go get you some clothes from my wardrobe. What kind of place are you inflicting us on Gramma?"

I tried to bat my lashes, and failed miserably to peals of laughter. I fingered my chin and dipped a Shirley Temple curtsy which earned more hilarity.

"I thought that nice restaurant in North Street. Josie hasn't been there yet."

"Yes I have," I said, "but Lamb hasn't been yet. Isn't it a bit smart for an unplanned evening out?"

"No, dear, I've had this evening booked for a while. I just didn't tell you."

We both giggled while Pippa and Josie looked mystified.

I realised that the restaurant was rather posh for a girl to turn up in jeans at.

"Uh, I just realised - that restaurant, uhh, strictly ballroom, isn't it?"

Josie's grandmother nodded.

"I don't think I'm ready to be seen like this there."

"You have accepted the invitation, and I think that you can do it. Besides, think of it as a dress rehearsal." She grinned and I groaned.

Josie pulled me to her. "Lamb, please! Nobody will know, I promise. Besides, you're damned good at the girl-stuff. And, anyway, I'll make it up to you. I promise."

I nodded, more out of habit than agreement. I received a kiss that should have been x-rated as a down payment.

Since I couldn't honourably wriggle out of the cross-dressed deal, I decided to throw myself headlong into the role-reversal. Tonight, I would be the girlfriend, but Josie was going to have to be the boyfriend. Besides, truth to tell, I was enjoying myself immensely. That theatrical streak was leaking out again.

Once in Josie's room, I went to her wardrobe and opened it. I picked out a skirt and blouse to my liking.

"Those don't go together, Lamb, you can't possibly wear that combination."

"Try me? I reckon that they'll work together. Now, let's find me some underwear. Oh, and if I'm going to wear tights, I'll probably need to shave my legs."

"????!"

"Your underwear is in those drawers, Josie."

I went and inspected the selection, pulling out what I felt was an appropriate choice. Josie and Pippa nodded approvingly.

"Uhh, Lamb?"

"Hmm?"

"Are you quite sure that you're not some kind of a girl?"

"I just like to play a part properly, that's all."

"But you know about matching up the lingerie?"

"Why not? I'm not a monk - besides, I used to help my mad mother to pick her new clothes out. Sharp eye for colour. After spending time in boutiques answering yes, no and that doesn't work, you get a feel for how the clothes thing operates. Besides, I noticed a lot about wossname's underwear."

They weren't convinced.

Josie finally asked, "wossname?"

I answered, "uh, your last girlfriend, Lamb."

At last she laughed.

I stripped off the jeans and went into the bathroom. I returned having shaved both legs and arms - including feet and hands.

"What did you do, Lamb? Your hands look better."

"I shaved them. I don't suppose you noticed how hairy I am - hands and feet included."

Pippa turned purple, finally exploding with, "Lamb's a real-live Vulcan Hobbit!"

Josie and I just looked at her as though she were mad.

"Oh! You poor things! The Hobbit. Tolkein's book? Hobbits? Hairy feet? No?"

A week later, we both understood the reference, having been bought the book by Josie's Gramma as a kind of good luck offering.

I dressed carefully, watched in awe by the two 'real' girls.

"Lamb?"

"I told you, I just notice things. Besides, it's a bit obvious that the tights are delicate - finger-tip only stuff?"

"But you ... aww, hang it."

"Now, the real challenge for tonight!"

I pulled out a pair of appropriate shoes. Two-inch heels! The heels were more than I had contemplated. I started to regret my decision.

Carefully, I slid my toes into the shoes, and stood slowly. I tottered forward. I was scared, really scared.

A few steps, and I realised something critical to my survival: if I walked on my toes, then I didn't fall over, and I walked in a more feminine manner.

"Criminy, Lamb, where'd you learn to do that?"

"What?"

"Waggle your ass? You'd better watch out or you'll have some matelot trying to get you in bed with him!"

"Bull!"

"No! True! You look like you've lived in heels all your life!"

"Bull!"

"Lamb. Trust me. This is Josie speaking. Pips is right, you look better in those shoes than I do, and your ass moves better. Lamb, you make a better girl than I do!"

"Bull!"

"Look, just be careful! The only boy you're to pull tonight is me!"

"Hokay. Deal. Now, can you fix me some makeup? I've never even thought of trying, besides, I don't know what you'd wear since I normally only see you at school?"

"Certainly, but aren't you going a little, ahh, overboard?"

"Nahh. Do it right or not at all. Besides, if I don't want to be caught, then I've got to do the whole deal. Anyway, I'm not likely to visit that restaurant again in a hurry."

"Oh, and Lamb?"

"Hmm?"

"You were right about the blouse and skirt and jacket. It looks good. It's dressier, too."

"Thank you, sir. Perhaps you would escort me to dinner?"

It was too soon to attempt a curtsy in those heels.

Josie painted my face with a delicate touch whilst Pippa painted my fingernails, mainly to hide the chips sustained routinely at school.

I picked up a clutch-purse that Pippa had put my things in.

On the way out, I got sprayed with some scent or other.

"Chanel number seven," I stated.

"Lamb? How?"

"My own grandma wears it. I recognise its smell from the bottle is all. I prefer number five. There are others that I like better."

Pippa muttered, "Who's She kidding? Boy, indeed."

I had a nice, warm feeling inside. The trickster tricked, the gunner out gunned. Besides, I was getting just a bit of a thrill from this all - the tense thread of fear, the elation of the forbidden act, and more than anything, to my growing horror, I was enjoying looking pretty.

We made our way downstairs. Josie was still dressed as me.

"Oh, you decided to back out then, Lamb. Never mind, it would be unfair to force you."

In my own voice I said, "And after I went through all this trouble to look nice for my boyfriend?"

Her double-take was a picture. It still makes me smile to remember the look on Mrs Rawlings' face.

She went and finished getting ready, and Pippa had dressed from Josie's wardrobe.

"Pack an overnight bag, Lamb, we'll probably be back late, late. Will your father be alright about you staying over?"

"He'll be okay. He probably won't notice much. Letting him know is just a formality, really."

I had been right, Josie's grandmother wanted to dress pretty formally. I knew just what I was going to put Josie into for dinner.

Then back to my place. I let us in, and led Josie to my bedroom. I pulled out the black suit, a stiff white shirt with doubled cuffs and ruffled front. She was to wear a bow tie. Oh, and the decent shoes with heavy inch and a half Italian heels.

Josie looked at me in horror.

While she stripped, I packed an overnight bag with casual clothes for the morning, and a suit cover.

I made her use my after-shave, and no, I can't remember what it was, something herbal-smelling I think. Onto Josie's feet went the black socks, on, too, the white shirt. She had trouble buttoning it. The tie was next - I had to fit it for her, even though it was pre-tied. I handed her the cuff-links, which I ended up putting in for her.

She balked at the texture of the trousers (good quality, but woollen-fabric). The belt was a mystery to her. Well, it was quite an unconventional design. By putting her in my good shoes, we were once again of a height. She found her legs swinging in a typical, masculine gait.

Wearing the jacket, she looked quite suave. I lent her my spare wallet and my watch.

"You need to ease the trousers as you sit, else the knees go all baggy." I sat, indicating that she should try it herself.

"Lamb?"

"Hmm?"

"You just adjusted your skirt like you've been wearing them all your life."

"Alright, you've got me sussed. I'm really a girl, it just doesn't normally show on the outside, and I have another closet which is full of girl-clothes. Happy now?"

"Alright. But I still don't think that you should be in a boy's bedroom."

"You're right, but you can't be trusted to dress yourself."

There was a noise downstairs, and I heard my father's voice.

"Shiiii..."

"Lamb, we have to brazen it out. Game?"

"Game. I'll go flush the loo and wait on the landing. Oh, I call him 'Dad'. The normal greeting is either 'wotcha' or 'ello you'. Make sure that you tell him you'll be out for the night, okay? Otherwise, play it by ear."

We went down stairs, myself first.

"ello you?" came down the stair from behind me.

"Oh, hello mate."

"Hello Mr S."

"Dad, this is Josie. We just came back for me to get dressed properly, and for Josie to, ahh, freshen up."

"Oh. Hello Josie. Where're you two off to?"

"My Gramma's taking us to that restaurant in North Street. A bit of an occasion."

"Oh? That's good. I just popped back to pick up some stuff. I'll probably see you in the morning then, I won't be back 'till late."

"Likewise, Dad. Josie's grandma's suggested I might stop over. We've schoolwork to get on with together for Monday. See you tomorrow night?"

He nodded, "fine. Enjoy yourselves."

He made it sound like something dirty.

We escaped.

Josie breathed, "did he notice?"

"Probably not, the dirty so'an'so's got a heavy date with some bird from the office, and he thinks we're out for a bit of the same. Beside, if he did, he probably just thinks that it's some daft do or other. Fancy dress, or something."

"Is he always that stupid?"

"Yeah. He's a bit of a wally, most of the time. The rest of the time he's just a great pillock."

"Here! What's with the 'bird' stuff."

"I met them. IQ of chickens, all of 'em, just sit going cluck-cluck-cluck in the typing pool. Just what the word conjures up."

She giggled as we climbed into the back seat of her Gramma's car. She eased her trousers, I smoothed my skirt. That ended up with both of us giggling like kids.

The meal at the restaurant was a hoot. I played the escorted female role to the hilt, and made Josie order for me. I'm afraid I had a couple of glasses of wine, and ended up just a bit tipsy. I was ever an easy drunk. Josie stayed clear of the grape. Pippa was pretty far gone by the time we got back to Josie's place.

"Lamb?"

Josie looked up. "Yes, Gramma?"

"Sorry. Josie?"

I looked up. "Yes Gramma?"

"I think that Lamb had better stay the night. It's late, I don't feel up to driving any more, and quite frankly, I think he needs to get some sleep soon, too."

"I like the idea, but why not ask him? His dad seems okay about him being out overnight. Lets him go his own way mostly, I hear. Lamb?"

"Hmm? Yes, I'd like to stop over. I'll sleep on the sofa, if that's okay with you?"

Chivalrously, I answered. "No, Lamb, you can take the bed, I'll take the sofa. What about Pippa?"

Pippa was sound asleep in an armchair.

"Josie, you sleep in your own room, Lamb, you can take the spare bed and I'll get Pippa bedded down in here. Up you go, you two.

The spare bed, it turned out, was in Josie's room. Ah!

We got ready for bed.

"Lamb?"

"Hmm?"

"Where are your pyjamas?"

"I don't have any. I just sleep in a tee-shirt."

"Oh! Gross!"

"Well, ease up on the role. Be yourself to bed."

"What about you?"

"What do you want me to do?"

"Wear a night dress, too?"

"Convince me."

She kissed me. A soul-kiss. My insides melted.

"Damn! I think you just convinced me... Josie?"

"Hmm?"

"Are you, ahh? I mean, you and, uhh..."

"Yes. And yes. We both are."

"Oh. So, ah? Ah!"

"Maybe. Let's get you ready for bed."

I never really figured out either my question, or her answer. Well, not until it was irrelevant, anyway.

I slid into the bed wearing a pale cream, lacy baby-doll night dress and matching panties. Josie slid into the same bed wearing an almost identical set.

We shared a bed, and so what happened? We shared a bed and slept, like sisters. Twin sisters.

For once I woke early.

Without thinking I went and washed, returning to dress in Josie's clothes.

She woke after I was dressed, and cried out, seeing an unexpected person in her room.

"Good God, Lamb, what're you doing?"

"Well, I assumed that you wanted more rehearsal time?"

"I'm not so sure. I shared a bed with my twin sister last night. I still don't know how you don't, ahh...?"

"Telegraph my desires?"

She nodded.

"I sort of thought that I was becoming homosexual..."

"What, like Jace?"

"Hm, sort of. Now, I'm not so sure. I find you attractive, but I don't think that, ahh, thing, err, you know, is on my list of, err, priorities. I'm just not that interested, is all."

"Do you like the other boys? Jase? Arnold? Rob?"

"No, I don't think so. I prefer you, but it just isn't like that."

"So, what do you think you are now?"

"Who cares? I'm having a great time learning to be you. I slept snuggled up with my twin sister last night. Let's just enjoy the day, shall we? What do I normally have for breakfast?"

"Nothing, just a cup of tea."

"Thank goodness, you neither."

We both started giggling uncontrollably.

"Lamb?"

"Hmm?"

"Are you absolutely certain that you're a boy?"

"Hmmm ... no. I'm beginning to think that I'm probably something else."

"What, a girl in disguise?"

"Noooo - more like an alien with long hair and green-eyes and ..."

"But you've got green eyes and long hair."

"Precisely!"

"Breakfast!"

Pippa woke up, hung over and bleary, to two Josies wandering around the place. In her unwell state the poor, confused thing couldn't figure out why. By the time she had got herself together, there was only one Josie.

The day wore on with Josie increasingly learning my mannerisms, and I hers. By the time I went home, we were quite definitely becoming each other. My own clothes felt strange. She complained that she felt odd in her own clothes, too.

The three of us spent a lot of time together in the following weeks.

It had been difficult to be just myself after that first weekend. Later I found myself walking like a girl, primping like Josie and even speaking like her. It got worse. Jace, our school's only outward gay, noticed. In his outrageously camp manner he tackled me.

"Look, ducky, I know it's difficult, but why don't you just come out? You know I'd treat you right, and you're such a hunk."

"Uh, Jace, look, sorry mate, but you've got the wrong idea."

"Oh! So like a man! Tease you and then throw you away!"

He did his painful mock pout.

"So, what's it about, dear? You're not going, you know? Trans?"

"Huh? What? I don't ..."

He mouthed it. "Transvestite?"

I laughed, though gently, since I did have a soft spot for Jace.

"No, it's a stunt that I'm involved in."

"Not with that butch Josie, by any chance?"

"How did you ...?"

"She's getting butcher, and you're getting more, I don't know, more ... femme. That's all."

"Damn, Jace, this is terrible. I suppose you've guessed what we're going to do?"

He nodded. "Swap for the day?"

I nodded.

"It's alright, ducky, I'm as silent as the church mice. Just don't get hurt playing with what you don't understand?"

"That's the problem. I'm hooked, and so's Josie. We both enjoy being each other."

"Oooooh! What fun! What's it like then? Do you, you know?"

"Strangely, no. It's fun, and satisfying, but there's no, uh, hanky-panky."

"Ooh dear! You have got it bad. You mean you don't ... either way?"

"It just doesn't fit the situation."

"You poor dear. Still, I suppose, whatever turns you on! Oh, by the way, are you the Nanny or the Billy?"

"I think we're both Nannys, Jace, both Nannys."

"Oooh! How camp! So, you're, like, both lesbian?"

"Not with my plumbing, and I think Josie's straight."

There was an edge to his voice. "Plumbing, ducky, has nothing to do with it!"

"Sorry, Jace, that wasn't what I meant. I really meant to say, can you be male and lesbian at the same time?"

He grinned. "You tell me. Later, when you've got an answer."

Somehow, just before Christmas, Arnold became deeper embroiled in the plot, turning up at Josie's Gran's house one Friday night, just as Josie and I were exchanging lives for the weekend. We had managed to get changed just before he arrived.

"Wotcha Lamb! Josie!"

He addressed us as we were dressed, not as we were underneath. We played it straight, with me answering to Josie and Josie answering to Lamb.

It seems that he had a thing for Pippa, and wanted to get just a little closer to the object of his desires. Pippa, on the other hand, wanted none of it. She enlisted our help.

3. Turn About

That weekend, 'Josie', played by yours truly, developed a bit of a crush on Arnold. I started flirting with him, and soon had his full attention. His desires were obviously motivated from undirected hormones rather than any romantic feelings toward Pippa.

I was sat on his lap and noticing his interest, so to speak. I was about to kiss him, when, instead, I whispered in his ear.

"Ar-nold? I have a little confession to make."

"Uh-umm?"

"Ar-nold, that's Josie over there!"

Josie waved a little wave, and said in her own voice, "Lamb's right, Ar-nold. You've been flirting with him all evening. Now, I don't think that you'd want your little game to get that far, do you?"

He looked angry, and grabbed my crotch, which was of course well protected by the gaff Josie had made for me. It was discrete, but felt like the thing it was.

The lump in Arnold's trousers disappeared, and he started laughing. I climbed off of his lap, tears of what I hoped were mirth leaking from my eyes. If it wasn't laughter, then I didn't really want to know what the tears were for.

"Okay, okay! I've been had! That was fantastic! I assume that my attentions are a little unwelcome."

"Well, Arnold," began Pippa, "I like you a real lot, but I don't want a boyfriend at the moment."

"And I'm a little busy with my twin sister ..."

"And so am I. I guess that leaves you with Jace, then Arnold."

He pulled a face, but his mood was unbroken. He had been taken to the cleaners, and like the man he was becoming, the man I would continue to like for many years, he was a good sport about it. Indeed, this was the first time that we saw Arnold's genuine pleasure in a well executed practical joke, even if he was the target.

"Well, Lamb," he finally managed, "I have to say that you make an excellent Josie."

Josie answered, "thank you, Arnold."

He looked confused, especially when I answered, "yes, he does, doesn't he?"

"Alright! I give up! Just feed me and I'll shut up!"

The following week, Arnold actually took pleasure in telling the rest of the conspirators how thoroughly he'd been taken in. I was a little worried that it was by way of revenge, but he really was a good sport, and it was with relish that he related the utter shock of finding that he was feeling up an iron-pumping male geek sitting on his lap. I realised, years later, that it was almost a 'By God, Was I Ever Blitzed' story, without the alcohol.

Months later, after the stunt, that episode achieved almost legendary status. A strong rumour at the last reunion, nearly thirty years on, stated that they still tell the story.

By the time the Easter holiday arrived, once dressed, Josie was Lamb and Lamb was Josie. We had shared a bed most weekends, two sisters together. Never once did it ever cross my mind to try anything on with Josie. I often wonder about that, even now. Somehow I had it in my mind that we were twin sisters.

My father spent most of the Easter holiday at work, and went out most evenings. Josie and Pippa spent most days and evenings with myself and Arnold. We double-dated, myself (as Josie) with Arnold and Josie (as myself) with Pippa. The four of us thought it an absolute scream that we were doing this, especially considering the narrow-minded attitudes that prevailed in our town.

It was the Thursday before Good Friday that we got into our scrape.

We'd been to the cinema, a rare treat to find anything worth going to. I seem to remember it being 'Paint Your Wagon'. Afterward, we'd wandered down the high street to get some chips. There were a couple of matelots, obviously somewhat the worse for drink, and obviously cruising for some skirt, as they used to put it. They tried to cut out Josie and Arnold (as the two 'boys') leaving Pippa and myself alone.

It happened so suddenly, like some crazy ballet. In almost perfect time, Pippa and I slammed our heels into their feet. Mine went down immediately, but Pippa's didn't, so I lamped him one in the jaw and used a rather stylish judo throw to chuck him across the street.

The one I had stamped on picked himself up and ran.

One of the local coppers, the father of one of our classmates strolled up.

"Ello all. A bit of trouble from our Navy boys then?"

Arnold said, respect oozing from every pore, "Yes Inspector Molyneux, but nothing the girls couldn't handle."

"And why would they want to handle trouble rather than you two young blades?"

"Because it was our turn, Inspector Molyneux. Arnold and Lamb dealt with the last ones."

"I didn't know that you had been learning martial arts, Miss Rawlings?"

"Yes, Josie has been going for a while. I've just started."

"Very good then. I think that I'll take this gentleman up to the station to wait for the provost patrol to pick him up. Evening."

He tipped his cap and departed, frog marching the drunken seaman.

Josie demanded, "Since when did you start doing judo, Pippa?"

"Since five minutes ago, Lamb. Josie has convinced me that what she's been doing is really a good idea."

"Yes. True, but I suppose that I'll have to get real good real soon."

"I can teach you, Lamb. My style is unconventional, but..."

"Yeah. Count me in too." A complement indeed coming from Arnold.

4. The big day.

The last week of the holiday, I spent with Josie and her Grandma. I spent a solid nine days as Josie, and she spent most of that time as me. We were taken to a couple of extremely formal black tie affairs. Josie and I re-learned how to dance, she leading, me following.

On the last night, we shared the last waltz. I won't talk about it, it still makes me cry. I felt as though I were about to lose everything that was important to me. It was probably one of the happiest nights of my life.

That night, so totally immersed in my role, I cried myself to sleep on Josie's chest.

I woke, cuddled up against her, my arm flung across her and her arms holding me.

I started crying once more. This time, out of confusion. I had been secure in my male role, my sexuality totally fixed, or so I had thought. Now I found myself in a totally reversed gender role. I had woken Josie, who started stroking my hair while holding me tight. I fell asleep once more in that same, almost exclusively feminine position.

Properly awake and dressed, we talked. Or, rather, I talked and Josie listened.

"Look, we can't go on like this. At least, I can't. I've become almost totally female. I even have to remember to use the men's loos when I'm dressed as me. When I'm dressed as you, I'm weak and vulnerable. And I'm starting to fancy boys. Hell's bells, Josie, I'm a bloke! I don't want to end up like Jace. I know, Jace is a wonderful person, but he's screwed up socially because he's homosexual. I'm starting to wonder if I am, too."

"No, Lamb, you're not homosexual. When you're dressed as me, you act like a normal girl. When you're you, you're all boy. I should know."

"But Josie, I'm not a normal girl, dressed like one or no. Hell, dressing as a girl, I'm not a normal boy either! It's got beyond just being in character, I'm actually getting turned on by boys, but only when I'm dressed as you!"

"That's crazy!"

"Pre-cisely! That's why, after Wednesday, this charade has got to end. I have enjoyed it. I like being your twin sister, but I'm male. I can't be anybody's sister. Perhaps I should have been, but I'm not. If you could wave a magic wand over me and make me into a real girl right now, I'd jump at the chance, but you can't. Nobody can, so I'd better get on with being a boy, and make the most of what I am. I'm sorry Josie, I would like to be your sister. I love you like a sister. Perhaps you'll put up with having a twin brother."

"Lamb, I'm sorry. I feel that I've done this to you. I'm so sorry."

She started to cry. I went and held her, now being what I really was, a boy in girl's clothing. She was now, quite simply a girl in boy's clothing.

"Don't be sorry. I've enjoyed it, but the party has to end some time, and I'm afraid that we have been partying so hard that Cinderella has forgotten that she's got to depart at midnight. I love you, sis."

"I love you too ... bro. I've enjoyed it, too. I always dreamed of having a twin sister. Thank you for bringing her to life, even if it was only for a while."

"She's still here, Josie. At least for a little while. What would she have been called?"

"Alysson."

"Then call me Alysson, sis. I've only a little time left before the dream has to end. Go get dressed in your own things, rather than your brother's cast-offs. We have some girl-things to do together."

She brightened and dragged me off to get changed.

Alysson and Josie spent the rest of the day together, catching up on fifteen years of being apart. They were together until it was time for Alysson to leave, and for Lamb to go home.

Dressed for the first time in a week in my own clothes, I held Josie tightly while she sobbed into my chest. At last, I kissed her and took my leave.

The big day arrived, and I cycled in to school as usual, if rather early. I met Arnold, Pippa and Josie outside the sports changing rooms. We slid inside and made our transformations unnoticed by any school staff. We made our way to our form rooms and registered as each other.

The day went boringly normally. Nobody noticed anything out of the ordinary. Josie and Lamb were both wearing their normal school uniforms. Ugh, I really hated wearing that Red, stripy tie. At least, for once, Josie got to wear the plain maroon one I used instead of the official uniform tie. I still wonder how no one ever called me out for that. We had a pretty strict uniform code, there.

There were a few stray looks when I needed the loo, and used the girls' one, after Pippa had checked it was clear. Likewise Arnold for Josie.

Four o'clock arrived and most of the school had gone home, and we needed to get changed, secure in about a hundred and fifty pounds in sponsorship money.

Arnold and Pippa had checked that the changing rooms were empty as we prepared to go in. The head master arrived just as Josie was pushing open the girl's changing room door.

"Judas Slaughter! Miss Rawlings! Just what do you think you're doing?"

Then he realised that I had turned at my own name. First.

"Just getting changed, sir," I said in my own voice.

The poor man looked nonplussed.

"A charity stunt, sir. We got sponsored to swap for the day, and even more if we passed undetected."

The head started laughing fit to bust.

"In all my days, I've never heard such a load of malarkey. If you need to get changed for something, then please, kindly use the correct changing rooms. And come see me in my office in fifteen minutes."

We went into the wrong changing rooms and Pippa and Arnold passed our clothes across. We emerged ourselves. Worried, but ourselves.

Arnold hissed, "Ju-das? Where'd you get that name?"

"Same place as you got yours. Besides, my dad's a pillock. Judas Slaughter becomes Lamb as in Lamb to the -. Why do you think I don't tell anyone? Even most of the teachers here call me Lamb."

We arrived at the place of execution. I knocked at the head's office.

"Enter!"

The four of us walked into the room.

"Now! Explain yourselves. What is this story about swapping for the day."

Josie and I tried to explain. Pippa told him who the stunt was for and how much we had made, having lost the bonus for remaining undetected.

"I don't see that you have lost your bonus, since I caught you emerging from the changing rooms when nobody should have been in there at that time of day. Who did you have for classes today?"

We told him.

"In which case, I think that you owe those teachers an apology for playing such a cruel trick on their poor, befuddled minds.

"Now, I am forced to punish you for this stunt, since you were neither in the appropriate school uniform. Now, what would be appropriate? Ah, yes.

"Tomorrow morning, you will both appear together before the whole school. Out of uniform and dressed in the gender in which you were dressed today. Together you will apologise for your actions, and you will spend the rest of the day in your correct classes, dressed as each other. Oh, and this might help your cause."

He handed Pippa a cheque for an extra two hundred and fifty pounds, payable to our charity.

The following morning, we arrived dressed in smart casual clothes, and went and changed. We registered and went into the school assembly. The head, as usual, addressed the school. There were the usual things, then the notices. Before that, though, we were to be publicly humiliated. Or something.

"Last night, as I was making my rounds, I found J. Slaughter and J. Rawlings emerging from the sports changing rooms, and making an awful racket. It seems that yesterday, unbeknown to the staff of the school, these two, aided and abetted by persons unknown, perpetrated a confidence trick on a scale never before seen inside these walls.

"It seems that, in the name of charitable fundraising, these two spent the whole of yesterday dressed as each other. I have insisted that they must make their apologies publicly to those members of staff they made fools of yesterday. It seems, though, that the terms of the sponsorship were that they should continue the charade, undetected, throughout the school day.

"Miss Slaughter? Mr Rawlings? Please step up and make your apologies."

That got a laugh, which faded to a nervous shuffling of feet as we stood and walked onto the stage.

Josie had selected two and a half inch heels for me that day, and she was wearing my Italian dancing shoes. I was a picture in a blue dress with pale cream lace trimmings, she handsome in pale grey flannels and deep blue blazer, with a blue striped tie. We looked as though we had stepped out of a nineteen twenties picture of the Henley Regatta.

I had prepared an apology.

In my own voice, I listed the teachers who had failed to notice anything amiss. Together, we apologised to them, and asked that they accept the gesture in a spirit of good humour, especially since the total pledged and given currently totalled over three hundred and sixty pounds.

We received a standing ovation.

We went to our own classes, but as each other. That caused confusion all round.

By the end of the day, we had received a number of anonymous donations, many of them extremely generous, too.

The total we presented to our charity was double the previous year. With a single stunt, we had doubled the school's charity week total.

With a sigh of relief, I resumed my normal boy's clothing.

Buttercup

The school's musical production, that year, was HMS Pinafore. Since my voice had cracked (it never did break, it just cracked) I was out of the production from just after casting. I was still involved. I helped the various leads with their lines, and as a result, I knew most of the dialogue and music inside and out. During rehearsals, I would often fill in for absentees - including, to the misery of all, the musical bits.

It was the morning before the first night. The producer came and found me in class.

"Lamb," he said, "We have a problem. Judith's off sick with tonsillitis. We don't have a buttercup. No one has been officially rehearsed. Do you know anyone who might know the part?"

"Apart from me, you mean?"

"Yes."

"No. But I know the part well." I grinned idiotically.

"So we're stuck."

"Let's get up to the music room. I have an idea."

Worried, he led on.

"I'm going to try to sing Buttercup for you."

"But your voice broke, and you're all wrong."

"But Josie's voice might work. Let's try it. There's nothing to lose but a few minutes."

He played the piano and I began:

"I'm called Little Buttercup,

Dear Little Buttercup,

Though I could never tell why..."

He stopped playing, while I finished the song.

"That's incredible. You can sing mezzo in someone else's voice, and you can only croak a cracked tenor in your own. Hell, I suppose that this is the best we can manage at short notice, but how are you going to live with your name as having played Buttercup? We'll need to get a costume for you."

"Judith's about the same size as me, but bigger up top. Get Josie, and we'll see if we can make do. Oh, and I'll sing under Josie's sister's name."

"But she doesn't ...ah, ... okay, that'll probably be fine. You seem to be working strange miracles today. Let's run with it and hope. I can't say that I'm looking forward to trying to get you into a crinoline in the boy's dressing room"

"Then don't. I'll need assistance, and Josie's the only other one who'll know the secret. Could I use the small dressing room? No one else is using it, and it'll solve the problem of embarrassment for the rest of the cast."

He just nodded. I was excused lessons in order to get sorted out for the production.

Josie arrived and took charge of my wardrobe. The first thing she did was lace me into Judith's corset.

"I'm sorry, Lamb, but you're going to have to wear this for the rest of the day. I want to try to get you into the right shape for Judith's dress."

I just grunted. Speech was, for the moment, beyond my abilities.

Strange to tell, I got used to the corset within a very short time.

"Josie, I'm going to need to move around the school. I can't do that with this corset under my trousers, they'll just fall down, and it'll look pretty odd under my shirt. Can you dig up some of Alysson's clothes for me?"

She giggled and went off to get me some clothes.

We did the show. Josie managed to give me a cleavage by using plenty of padding and every spare ounce of flesh on my whole body. She only had to take in the dress a little at the top, and an awful lot at the waist due to the way she wound in the corset. The correction to the programme read 'Buttercup played by guest soloist, Alysson Rawlings.'

I even cried a little when someone handed me a bouquet of flowers at the finale on the third night.

6. Summer Holiday

The dreaded O-levels over, I went down to Devon for a week, to explore some of the old mining districts of Devon and Cornwall. After that, I had saved the rest of my pennies and taken a ferry to the Isle of Wight, intending to spend a week under canvas exploring the geology of that island close to home. The island, for anyone who doesn't know it, is off the south coast of England, is roughly diamond shaped and about twenty-one miles along the long, east-west axis. It plays host to many tourists and sun-seekers (often disappointed ones) every summer.

I climbed off the bus close to the farm I was to be camping on, and started hiking. Brook bay lay before me, the golden beach sparkling in the morning sun below the cliffs I now walked. I turned right, off of the main road, and followed the track to the farm.

Finally I arrived at an ancient heap of red brick and white stone overlooking one of the finest views on the island. I stood for a minute just admiring the hills and the sea.

"Lamb!"

I spun around, to see Josie emerging from the farmhouse.

"Josie! What the ... ?"

"I could say the same! This is my aunt's farm. I'm staying with her and Gramma for a few weeks. You?"

"Well, I was planning on a farewell tour of the island's rocks and fossils for the next week."

She wandered over and whispered, "I don't suppose that Alysson was invited, was she?"

"She never crossed my mind. Not since Buttercup. Well, not often, anyway. Actually, I've thought a lot about her ..." I think the wistfulness in my voice may have been noticeable.

"Were you camping?"

"Yes."

"Well come in and say hello to Gramma before you choose your pit."

I went in.

"Lamb! What strange chance brings you here?"

"Rocks, mainly. That and the fact that I have a soft spot for the island. Oh, that and a spot of roughing it under canvas."

"Camping? What do you want to be camping for?"

"It's cheap. Besides, no one will complain if I turn up home each evening covered in mud and clay."

"And is Alysson likely to be turning up?"

"Why does everyone want Alysson to be here rather than me? Do I have a nasty personality trait that I'm not aware of? Or a bad body odour perhaps?"

"Sorry, it's just that I'd like to see more of Alysson. Josie's been moping about since Alysson stopped coming to visit. To tell the truth, she's been downright moody."

I felt a twist in my gut, and an awful yearning in my heart. I knew I couldn't stop what we'd started. I took a breath and headed along that road.

"She didn't ask me to bring anything for her. She knows where I'm staying, so if she turns up, she'll have to bring her own stuff."

Josie smiled. "I think that I could lend her some clothes if she wants to stop over."

Josie's aunt arrived just then.

"Aunt 'Rene, this is Lamb, the one we were telling you about who sang Buttercup."

"Hello dear, yes, Josie was saying that she's quite taken with you."

Josie and I both blushed deep red.

"Rene, Lamb was saying that he will have to cut his stay short, but his sister Alysson will be over later today. Josie's been missing her, so could she stay here with us? She'll probably share with Josie."

"Of course Ethel. Why on earth do you need to cut your holiday short, you've only just arrived?"

"Ah, I'm actually on my second week. My funds are running low, and so is my clean laundry. I only dropped by on my way home to let you know that my sister will be here in my stead. She was going to use my kit, and I was going to meet her here." I grinned, trying to make it seem as though I'd had enough of camping. My disreputable appearance, grubby jeans and stained tee-shirt bore out my excuses.

"Oh, never mind, dear. I hope that you've enjoyed your holiday, anyway."

"Yes, thank you. It was fortuitous that Josie and Mrs Rawlings were here, else I'd have been waiting for Ally in the noonday sun."

"Ethel, I've got to go out for a while. Why don't you look after, what was it, dear? Lamb? Yes, look after Lamb until his sister arrives. I'll see you later. Bye, Josie. Nice to meet you, Lamb."

"Bye ..."

Josie and her Grandmother were laughing quietly when Pippa walked in.

"Lamb!"

"Hi Pips," I said in Alysson's voice, no longer quite Josie's.

Josie grinned. "Lamb, ever been had?"

I kept my soft, Alysson voice. "Alright, I admit it. I'm really Alysson. Lamb is just a ruse to keep the boys at bay."

"Lamb, why don't you take your pack upstairs for Alysson to take home at the end of her stay?"

I followed Josie upstairs. I unpacked my razor and wash kit, the rest going back in the pack, which was dumped in a closet.

I showered and shaved all over.

I called, "Josie?"

"Yes, Lamb?"

"I have just one itsy-bitsy problem, here."

"From where I'm standing, it doesn't look so itsy or bitsy."

I turned to find Josie watching me shower. I blushed.

"Whassamatter, Lamb? Embarrassed to be seen by your sister?"

"You just caught me unawares. But yes, that's the problem. It'll show."

"I'll let you into a little secret. I keep your gaff in my nightie case, to, sort of, remember my sister by."

"Why?"

"I love her. I can have a boy any day of the week, but sis, you're not always there."

She was crying. So was I.

"I'm sorry, Josie. I didn't know. I didn't understand ... I don't understand."

"It's alright, Lamb. I know you have a problem with being Alysson. It's not normal for a boy to want to dress as a girl."

I stepped from the shower.

"Josie, I have a confession to make."

She looked at me.

"I don't know where to begin, and I'm sort of embarrassed, but, like, I don't actually like being a boy very much. I never did. I always thought that I'd rather have been a girl. Okay, I don't like boys very much, well, not like that. I mean, not like girls like boys. But, I feel more comfortable among girls. I don't know, but I haven't been able to get dressing as you out of my mind. It's been getting worse. I have days when I'm almost paralysed with wanting to be a girl again.

"I think I'm going mad, or maybe I'm already mad. There's nothing I can do to be a girl, so I was just trying to make the best of what I am. When you invited Alysson to stay with you, I almost said no, but I couldn't resist it. Besides, I love you, sis. Whatever you are, and whatever I am, you'll always be my sister."

She regarded me through a veil of tears.

"That's quite a speech, Lamb. No. you're not mad, or even near to it. Gramma'd understand ... well, actually, she does understand. I'm afraid I told you a whopping porkie about Gran-da. He used to like dressing as a woman. Trans-something, Gramma said."

"Transvestite was the word Jace used."

"Yes that, but there was more. He didn't just want to dress like a woman, he wanted to be a woman. It was trans-something-else. Tran-tran-transexual. Born the wrong sex."

"But I wasn't. I just want to be a girl."

"Same thing. Let's get you dressed."

My week of slogging around the West Country had lost me some weight, a difficult trick for someone seemingly carrying not an ounce of spare fat. It made my chest look even more feminine, and threw my hips into quite startling relief.

Once dressed in Josie's clothes I became Alysson once more.

I had to take in the skirt in order to make it fit properly.

Pippa looked up. "Hi, Ally. What kept you?"

"Hi Pips. That lousy brother is what kept me. Never told me that I'd been invited to stay."

"Hello Alysson. Good trip?"

"Not bad, Mrs Rawlings. A little sudden and spur of the moment. I wasn't actually planning on a trip out until today."

"How well equipped are you for a long break, dear?"

"Not very well, I'm afraid. I only have Jeans and tee-shirts. I was planning on a week slouching around the rocks and the cliffs, after all."

"Then get your purse and we'll go into Newport to get you some shopping."

"I couldn't, Mrs Rawlings."

"Yes you could. It was the least I could do for my Robert, and it's the least I can do for you, my dear. Besides, if we're going out to a restaurant tonight, you need some decent clothes. Oh, and I think a stop in Shanklin is called for. There's a rather specialist shop there for some, ahem, special lady's clothing for you.

"Oh, yes, and I think Aunt Etty will do, if you don't mind. Mrs Rawlings seems a teensy bit formal, since we are, after all, family, aren't we."

"Yes, Aunt Etty. Thank you."

I gave the woman a big hug.

"My, you are a strong girl, aren't you?" She said.

I grinned impishly. "It's from too much being a tomboy."

The four of us piled into Aunt Etty's car, and went, first, to Shanklin.

Shanklin, a seaside town at the foot of the cliffs, mouldering in its memories as a Victorian seaside resort. It's former tawdry splendour replaced by the modern grotesquerie of a nineteen-seventies resort. Down a back-street was a strange little shop. Seemingly a cross between a milliner's and a costume-hire shop, it nestled uncomfortably between a drab, fly-specked news agents and a dilapidated off-licence called Jackson and Loveridge, purveyors of fine wines. The last in peeling maroon and gilt paint.

We entered. A large woman with heavy features, in her late fifties sat behind the counter, hand sewing a lacy dress.

She looked up, and stood immediately.

"Etty! And Josie! How are you?"

The voice was quiet and husky, quite deep for a woman.

"Hello Gram. Not bad. This is Alysson and Pippa."

"Hello Bobby. Business good?"

"Never better, need you ask."

"Bobby, I have some business for you."

"Oh?"

"Yes. Young Alysson, here, needs some of your specialist foundation garments."

"Why on earth? Ah, Medical problem, Miss?"

"?"

"Why do you think, Bobby? Why would any young lady need your particular line?"

She scrutinised my face for a moment, and the face spread into a grin.

"Of course. But, forgive my asking, what kind of gaff are you wearing at the moment?"

"!"

"She's wearing one that I made, Gram. I used one that Gramma had as a pattern."

"Then, Josie, you have the touch, too. Those are a bit old fashioned, now. Now, Alysson, would you prefer cotton or synthetic. Cotton is more comfortable for day wear, though the synthetic is more discreet for evening wear."

"!"

"Ah, first time buying your own? Don't worry, it was worse in my day. I had to make my own."

"!?? !"

"Bobby, don't embarrass the poor thing. I'm paying. Three for daytime and two for evening. Oh, and do you have one suitable for wearing under a bikini?"

"Do I? Of course I do. In fact, if Alysson doesn't mind trying a prototype for size, I've been working on a design that is a little more, how to say, natural?"

"That sounds excellent. Would you like to be a guinea-pig, Alysson."

I finally managed to find my voice. The words came out just like a very little girl. "I don't mind, Aunt Etty. If I look more natural, the better I'd like it."

"In which case, step into the fitting room, and we can measure you up."

I felt dreadfully hot and flustered as I removed my clothes. I stood in the cubical with Josie for moral support.

Bobby came in and inspected Josie's handiwork.

"Very good, Josie. There's a touch of genius in this garment. Now let's get you measured up, Miss."

A few deft sweeps of the tape later and I was offered a pink nylon version of what I had been wearing. It was, as Bobby had said, more discreet than the bulkier cotton.

I also had my official measurements for girl's clothes. (I was a 32A, 22, 32- I think that came out as a size 6 to 8. Josie hissed at me that I'd got a better figure than hers.

The woman whispered in my ear, "A word of advice, love. Shave down there, and you'll find life a lot more comfortable by the end of the day, but it itches abominably if you let it grow back for more than a couple of days."

I nodded and said thank you.

Josie told me to wear one of the new evening garments, since we were going clothes shopping.

"You can collect the swim-wear version tomorrow afternoon. Oh, and Etty?"

Aunt Etty looked up.

"No charge. Just promise that you'll find her some proper help. Soon?"

Aunt Etty nodded.

Newport, the county seat, is a small market town. The shopping centre is small and sparse. There are, however, a number of very nice dress and shoe shops.

I had never heard of 'combat shopping' until recently. Aunt Etty was a mistress of the noble martial art of shopping, her objective to let no dress remain untried, no shoe un-walked, no clothes shop un-harassed.

I was terrified that I was about to be unmasked (or is that de-frocked?) at any moment, but if any of the shop assistants caught on, they were sensible enough to not admit it. As I relaxed, I began to enjoy myself, to enjoy being one of the girls.

By mid-afternoon I was exhausted, and now also possessed an entirely new wardrobe, one suitable for Alysson rather than Lamb.

We took a break from shopping in a small café. As Josie, Pippa and I daintily ate ice-cream sundaes, and Aunt Etty sipped tea, we chatted quietly. My eye was taken by a teenage boy out in the street. For some reason, I felt quite - aroused?

I shuddered and dragged my eyes away.

"You alright, Ally?"

"Yes, sis, just a shudder."

"That boy's a looker, isn't he? I get all gooey looking at him."

"So do I, sis, so do I..."

"Alysson, it's alright to like boys, you know."

"Not the way I was brought up, Aunt Etty. You know what my family are like. That's why I stopped coming round at weekends. I just don't understand my feelings is all."

"How long are you planning on stopping with us, Alysson?"

"Well, I assumed for a week?"

"We're staying for the whole summer. Why don't you stop with us for the whole time?"

"I'd love to, but we're moving in September, and I've got to get ready for Tech. I think I could manage the five weeks? I would love to."

I found that I was tearing up.

"Gently, Ally," Pippa said, "you'll make your mascara run."

I managed to force a smile, still wondering at my reaction to a handsome boy. Maybe I really was turning into a girl. I was scared.

"Ally, you need earrings."

"I know, but my ears aren't pierced. Can we get clips?"

"No, they all look Granny. Do you want to get your ears pierced?"

"I'd love it, but what would Dad say at the end of the holiday?"

We started giggling

I had my ears pierced and a pair of gold studs put in. What my father would say could wait.

We arrived back at the farm and took our assorted prizes upstairs. I struggled my new clothes into the wardrobe alongside Josie's, and collapsed onto the bed, happy and tired.

Josie gave me a small package.

"This is from me, sis, for being a great sister. I got this at Easter, but I didn't think I should give it to you until I knew how you really felt."

I opened the package and found a silver locket. I thanked Josie with a big hug and put on the locket. There were pictures of Josie and Lamb inside. I felt tears welling up in my eyes.

Pippa gave me another package, slightly larger. A handbag sized atomiser and a bottle of my favourite perfume.

"I saw them this afternoon, and I know that Rose of Kashmir is your favourite."

I was crying for real, now.

"Thank you ... thank you ..." I kept murmuring. It was all I could manage.

I hugged the two girls. I guess that I cried myself to sleep, because I woke to the late afternoon sun illuminating the bedroom. I was stretched out on the bed, shoes off and covered with a blanket. Pippa and Josie were chatting quietly on the other bed. I must have moved.

"She's awake."

"Hi, Ally. How you feeling? Any better?"

"My head aches a bit. I'll live."

"Gramma thinks you might have overdone the sun a bit. We'll get you a sun hat in Shanklin tomorrow."

"Mmmm-mmm hunh?" I managed.

"Yes. It's time to wake up and get ready for dinner. We're eating at some yacht club in Cowes tonight. Strictly ballroom."

"Huh? You mean the yacht club?"

"No, one of the several. This one's not as swanky and exclusive, but it's more posh, if you see what I mean?"

I thought I did.

I went and showered, and freshened up with a razor. My hair was a mess, so it got shampooed. While I was showering, Pippa wandered in.

"Don't bother turning it off. You need your back scrubbing?"

"Yes please..."

I presented my back.

"Uh, Ally, I don't like to mention, but ..."

"What, Pips? Just say it."

"I'll deal with it. You missed a bit with the razor."

I felt the blade sweep a few places on my shoulders, out of my own reach.

"Moles. I have them, too. They, uh, go a bit, err ..."

"Hairy? Yucky?"

"Yes, that too. Do my back for me Ally?"

"Sure thing Pips."

I soaped her back. I went back to the bedroom, towel wrapped around me under my arms. I was worried. Pippa was a beautiful young woman, and with an athletic figure featuring a certain voluptuousness that Josie lacked. I had felt nothing.

No, that was a lie. I had felt something. Envy.

I felt the tears start again as I realised that I envied her figure.

I shoved those thoughts down, and concentrated on being the happy sister that Josie wanted, needed and deserved, the cheerful, flippant girl-friend that Pippa expected. For the next five weeks, I was going to be Alysson, plain and simple.

I put on my underwear. Lacy panties and bra, suspender and stockings. I made certain that my seams were straight. My hair was now drying rapidly. I brushed and teased it. It was still the page-boy bob, but now it was just a little lighter in its line.

"That's super, sis, how did you manage it?"

"I just let it dry a bit before brushing it. From hedge-back'ard to hair-do in fifteen seconds!"

I reached for Josie's makeup.

"Uh, sis, I don't like to be bitchy, but your makeup's in there!"

She pointed to a vanity case I didn't remember seeing before. I opened it. It was too well stocked for a five-week trip to womanhood.

"Gram dropped it over while you were asleep. She also dropped this in for you to try in the morning."

She held up the sleekest slip of fabric I had ever seen. An invisible gaff, suitable for wearing under a bikini. There seemed to be a small amount of subtle padding, not dissimilar to the design Josie had made for me.

Almost reverently, I took it and whispered, "I'll try it in the morning."

I attempted my own make-up, not too unsuccessfully for a first try. Josie had to fix it for me, but at least I hadn't looked like a psychedelic panda. I painted my own nails to match my lipstick.

The three of us wore those little black numbers that are a girl's best friend for a night out. We all wore heels, and looked like a million dollars. Somehow, I had gained a nice, small ladies watch, and a couple of plain rings (lent by Josie).

It took a minute to re-learn how to walk in heels, but I managed.

I left in a cloud of Rose of Kashmir.

Eyes followed us as we walked into the yacht club with Aunt Etty. What no one had said was that this was not just a meal out, it was a dinner-dance.

I ate little. I was too wound up to eat properly. There were a few teenage boys there, including the one I had been attracted to in Newport. I felt my eyes being dragged in his direction, and I kept forcing them back to neutral territory.

Josie and I went to the ladies' room.

We stood side by side, fixing our make-up.

"Ally, it's alright. If you want him, he's yours. He's been watching you all evening."

"But, but but ... but ..."

"I know, but you're a big girl, now. What's wrong with a bit of a holiday romance?"

"Ah, ahh ahh, ahh umm?"

"Look, just enjoy it while it lasts."

"But, Jo-sie - what about Lamb?"

"What about him. He treats you abominably. He didn't even tell you that you'd been invited. Serves him right if you have a bit of fun."

"But what about ..." I looked down toward my crotch.

"Ah, sorry, I didn't think. Bad time of the month?"

I nodded miserably, understanding the implication.

The meal came to a close, and the band started playing. Two boys who knew Josie and Pippa came and asked them to dance.

I felt my eyes pulled toward the young man I had been watching. Our eyes met, and I felt as though I'd been electrocuted. I looked away quickly, glancing toward the table in front of me. I looked through my eyelashes, and saw his shape heading toward me.

All too soon, he was beside me, asking me to dance. I looked up at him, and my insides turned to jelly. I think I stammered. I know I said yes.

Being led around the dance-floor was heavenly. He was tall and muscular, and an excellent dancer. I don't think I trod on his toes, at least, not too often.

The evening progressed, and I found myself leaning my head on his chest. We had talked quietly on the dance floor, and now simply waltzed together. His hand strayed to my buttock, and I didn't object. Quite the opposite. In fact, at that precise moment, I was trying to figure out what I really wanted, and how to get it once I'd answered my first question. I found myself wanting something, or rather somebody, I wasn't equipped to have.

All too soon the evening was gone, and we headed back to Brook and to bed.

That night Pippa, Josie and I shared the enormous bed in our room. Throughout the summer the second bed was used purely as a chair.

I slept curled up against Josie with Pippa on the other side of her. I woke in the morning to find my arm flung across her and my head nestled under her arm. I woke slowly, realising that I had been dreaming about having sex. In my half-sleeping state, I couldn't figure out what the uncomfortable lump in my panties was.

By the time I was awake enough to figure out what I was, and who, I was busting for a pee. I eased myself out of bed and padded down the hallway and into the bathroom. It took me a moment to get myself sorted out before I sat, and blessed relief.

I rearranged myself and headed back to bed. I looked at the clock - it was just before five. I tried to get back to sleep, but I was all slept out. I disentangled myself from Josie and started to swing my legs out of bed. She rolled over and grabbed my waist.

"Where do you think you're going?"

"Up. I can't sleep. I didn't mean to wake you."

"Well I'm awake, and I'm feeling kinda, you know, ahh, well horny."

"So was I. I was dreaming."

"Were you, now. Who, sis, was on top?"

I blushed. "He was. Andy."

"The boy you were dancing with?"

"Hmm. And what is my twin sister going to do about her dreams."

I stared to cry, silent tears rolling down my cheeks, little sobs making earthquakes of the bed.

"W-what can I do? I'm made all wrong for him. I'm made all wrong for me."

She murmured soft, soothing words and held me tight. Pippa woke up and came around the bed, and hugged me from the other side. At last, to the drifting sensation of having my hair stroked, I slept once more.

I woke uncomfortably. I was tangled in the bed-linen and I felt sticky and dreadfully yucky.

"Good morning Alysson," greeted me as I groaned.

I rolled over, and finally managed to spy the originator of the words.

She was about forty, and was dressed in smart casual clothes. There was a case on the other bed, the sort that doctors carry.

"Who? Hnuhh? Ah?"

"It's alright, Alysson, I'm Doctor Sorensen. I gather that you've been having some problems of late?"

I laughed. My own laugh, my own cracked tenor. It felt good to laugh again.

"You could say that," I answered, once more Alysson, "I think I'm probably going off my rocker. Or something."

"Why do you say that?"

"You know all about me?"

"I know that in your spare time you're a boy."

"Ho-kay- yes I'm a boy most of the time. My voice started to break almost a year ago, and I suffer from a kind of mangy hairyness. But ..."

"But? But you'd rather be a girl?"

"Worse than that. This started as a charity stunt, a prank, but now, when I'm dressed as a girl, I am a girl in everything but where it matters. I'm frightened."

I started crying again.

"Your aunt called me because of what you've been going through. I gather that, as a boy you have already had a sexual relationship?"

I laughed. "Sort of. We never really got it together, if that's what you mean. She told me I wasn't man enough."

"And were you?"

I giggled. Really giggled. "No, I don't suppose I was. If you think this is because of that, it's not. Frankly, it was a relief when Kelsa dumped me. I didn't enjoy the boy-girl thing much from a male point of view. Maybe I'm too young and immature. That's what my parents say, anyway."

I gave her an ironic grin.

"You don't think much of your parents, I gather."

"I love them dearly, but..."

"But?"

"But ... my mother's an interfering, domineering old baggage and my father's a total pillock What they think only matters because I have to live with them, or at least with my father. They divorced two years back. She left and he's spent the past two years screwing around with every available woman in the town."

"And what about you?"

"Me? I have been happier these last few months, when I've been Alysson, than in my entire life. I just lost it last night because I found myself being attracted to a boy. I suppose I'm confused. I guess that I'll have to get dressed as myself again and go home, try to put last night behind me."

"Who is 'yourself'? Besides - do you want to? Really want to?"

I shook my head. "No. That's the worst bit of it. I would rather go on being Alysson. No, that's a lie. I want to become Alysson. The whole bit. I guess I'm some kind of loony. It sounds like science fiction - change some teenage boy into a girl with boobs and, uh, and a, uhhh ..."

"And a ...?"

In a very small voice, I managed to squeak, "a vagina."

"And if, just if, you were offered the chance to undergo that miracle of transformation? Knowing that there was no possible way back? That you'd have to take medicines for the rest of your life? Surgery, painful surgery, and the risks that entails? The derision and persecution from people who don't know better?"

"People are rotten anyway. So what's a bit of pain? How do I get this surgery? When could I have it done?"

"You're serious, aren't you?" It was a statement, not a question.

"Ever watch Star Trek?"

She nodded, not understanding where this was leading.

"Like Spock, I'm totally honest with myself, or at least I try to be. Don't get me wrong, I'm not cold and logical, I just know my own mind. I decided last night that that was what I wanted. Really wanted."

"A rather sudden decision, wasn't it?"

"No, not really. It's something I've had brewing since Josie started the exchange stunt thing. I'm not sure that I'd ever considered it before, but I've considered it now. Uh, stupid question, but why did you say you were here?"

"Because your aunt thought you needed help."

I giggled, which received a strange look.

"Yes, I need help, but I'm not sure that a doctor is quite what I need. Besides, she's not actually my aunt, well, not in the biological sense."

"I'm sorry, I thought ... you look just like Josie."

"Yes, it was a bit uncanny when I first cross-dressed, even though people had mistaken us for twins. We managed to get away with the stunt, undetected, for a whole day at school. Josie's Grandmother is a sort of honorary aunt."

"Well ... wait a moment, what did you mean by saying that a doctor isn't the kind of help you need?"

I blushed.

"Well, there's something wrong with me up here, obviously. I probably need the loony-bin to sort me out."

"Well! And why, young lady, do you think that you need to be admitted to a psychiatric hospital?"

"Well, it's obvious, isn't it. I can't be turning into a girl because I'm a boy and that sort of thing doesn't happen outside of science fiction, and If I think that I am, then I must be some kind of crazy. I mean, at least Jace knows that he's a boy, even if he is homosexual."

"I have no Idea who Jace is, but that is irrelevant. Who taught you these values?"

I paused and thought.

"You're right. They're my mother's prejudices, and that's no recommendation at all. Sorry. Educate me?"

"I've heard about your mother. Josie and Pippa were quite vehement about her."

"Yes, they met her once. Once is quite enough, believe me. Now, please, educate me. Explain why I only think I'm going crazy."

"I have a question for you, first. How old are you, and when is your birthday?"

"Sixteen, last Christmas. Why?"

"I'll come to that when we reach that stage. Firstly, gender-roles are not entirely governed by our physical chemistry. I'm sure that you understand this perfectly well?"

"Jace? He's a male homosexual. He's effeminate, really camp, but still male."

"Precisely. Now, sometimes it isn't just the sexual orientation that gets turned around; the whole gender issue becomes muddled. I'm sure that you know a few tomboys and what are euphemistically termed 'sensitive' boys?"

"Yeah, the whole of the girls' under 15 rugby team, and myself for one."

"A strange quirk of fate is that more girls are tomboys than boys are, ah, sensitive. Boys seem to want to actually be girls more than vice versa. For most of them it never becomes more than an itch - a fondness for cross-dressing or just a sexual fantasy played out in the privacy of their own minds, or maybe not even that, just ineffectual individuals with an ambivalence to sex and to their sexual identities. Such men often marry domineering women."

"Like my father. Randy ba - sorry, so-and-so."

"You don't like him very much, do you?"

"Not much. Thankfully I have very little to do with him. I've been my own boss, for the most part, for the last two years. He's been too busy with satisfying his sexual needs. You should see his latest girlfriend ..."

I had just had a nasty, nasty thought. It must have shown on my face.

"Do tell. Gossip's good."

"Uh, she's built like a weight lifter - she'd make two of him and me combined. He's the same height as me, she's six foot. Ugh!"

It was the doctor's turn to giggle. "Sounds gross! I like men my husband's height. Taller than me."

"So do I," I sighed.

I had a warm feeling in my groin and a pleasant, tingly feeling in my nipples.

The doctor's eyes were on my chest.

"Have you been taking female hormones?"

"No, why?"

"Well, you seem to have a rather feminine reaction to erotic thoughts. And you can keep your hands off of my husband."

I looked down, blushing. My fairly masculine nipples were standing to attention in a way I had never noticed before. Tentatively, I touched one. It was so sensitive that I gasped.

"I think that there's more to you than meets the eye. Look, since you're sixteen, you are able to visit a doctor, or hospital, on your own cognisance - no parental consent required. I'd like you to come into Newport to see a couple of my colleagues. One is a surgeon, and has specialised in conditions originating in hormonally disturbed patients. The other is a psychiatrist, and I would like him to assess you as a candidate for gender reassignment."

"You mean, it's not science fiction? I could become a girl?"

"To all intents and purposes, yes. You would need to take artificial hormones for the rest of your life, you wouldn't be able to have babies, and you would still be legally male, so marriage would be out of the question, excepting remarkable circumstances. There are other issues, but if you are serious, then those would be addressed in due course."

"When can I come? Today? Now?"

She smiled, "If you like. How long are you on The Island for?"

"Five weeks, then I go home to pack. We're moving to another part of the country. My father's changing jobs, just as I'm about to start A-levels! Huh!"

"Inconsiderate. We can probably get things moving before then."

Late morning saw me in Newport again, this time in the tiny hospital that served the bulk of the island.

I spent a long time with the psychiatrist, who turned out to be a tall, handsome, rugged Swede, a doctor Sorensen. I found myself unbelievably attracted to this muscular hunk of masculinity.

A couple of hours talking with him, and undergoing all manner of oddball tests later, he told me:

"Alysson, I have some good news and some bad news. The good news is that, in my humble opinion, you are indeed a prime candidate for gender reassignment. It is rarely that anyone presents so clearly a case for reassignment. You are highly intelligent and surprisingly well adjusted given your history. And, yes, I took the liberty of asking for your school records to be wired to me."

"Huh? Why? That costs a fortune!"

"Because it was necessary. Strangely, the documents arrived some time last week, when your appointment was made."

"Last week? What? How? I didn't ... Aunt Etty?"

He nodded. "She's been worrying about you for some time. I assume that you think that you've been set up, and used badly?"

"I have, but I owe her gratitude for it. Please, doctor, continue. You were just paying me some complements, and I'd like to hear more."

I had an impish grin on my face.

"Your own GP agreed that you should see me, he has been rather, how should I put this? Concerned for your mental wellbeing, having seen your mood swings and several recent illnesses. He also recognised you at a restaurant in the company of a look-alike, also his patient."

"My twin sister. We're not related but we could pass for twins. She was dressed as Lamb. We were practising for a charity stunt, swap roles for the day."

"Why do you refer to yourself as Lamb? And in the third person?"

"It's a nickname. My given name, as you are well aware, is Judas Slaughter. Judas is not a good name. Everyone calls me Lamb when I'm dressed as a boy. I simply wanted to indicate that Josie was dressed as me as a boy, in my boy clothes. I dislike ambiguity."

I paused for a moment and started laughing.

"What's funny?"

"What I just said. Ironic isn't it. I dislike ambiguity, and that's precisely why I'm sat in your office, because of ambiguity. It just struck me as funny."

He smiled. "Too well balanced by half. I have to confess that, at first, when I heard about your complete role-change depending on how you're dressed, I wondered if you were going to be exhibiting schizoid characteristics."

"Am I?"

"Only superficially. I suspect that what you are doing is more like total role immersion, being what you appear to be to the best of your ability. An acting ability that rivals The Method, I might add, and a survival skill if you ever needed one. I have to ask you - which role are you most comfortable in?"

"My own." I grinned as he started to frown. "Sorry, humour. I'm most comfortable as Alysson - she's much more self-confident, socially self-reliant and an all-together together person than Lamb ever was, or will be, if you see what I mean. Alysson feels more, uh, complete. Lamb feels like a crooked painting on a wall that you're never allowed to put straight. Besides, Lamb wouldn't be seen dead in anything brighter than dull colours, and I like to dress prettily."

I was staring at my painted finger nails.

"What was the bad news?"

"Ah. Yes, well. Unfortunately, although we can begin treatment with androgen antagonists, we wouldn't be allowed to legally perform gender reassignment surgery until your twenty-first birthday, at least, not without parental consent, unless it could be proven that failure to do so was significantly deleterious to your mental health. Frankly, that is how we usually manage to pass cases like your own. Sadly, you are far too well adjusted to be able to pull it off.

"From your records, I imagine that parental permission is unlikely to be forthcoming?"

"Too true. My mother dislikes me enough to want to make life uncomfortable for me, and is so bigoted that she'd object on principle. My father is too wrapped up in his own imaginary world to be co-operative. That's why I'm generally on my own."

"Then we can start you on the drugs, and hope that the use of female hormones offsets your continued male development. If that's what you wish?"

"If I wish? What I wish is that I had been born a girl, or that you could wave a magic wand and make me a teenage girl here and now. I'll just have to continue to be a more patient little patient, that's all."

"Excellent. I will prescribe the appropriate medications, but I need you to undergo a number of tests first, just to make sure that nothing goes wrong. There are a few risks. I believe you have an appointment with our surgical specialist?"

"Yes, at twelve."

"I'll show you the way, Miss Slaughter."

I was subjected to a barrage of tests, including a number of x-rays.

"It's just to check your bone structure for future reference. The hormone levels that we're going to feed you over the next few years can cause all kinds of problems if they go on unchecked. Besides, if you decide to go ahead with surgery, it helps to know where everything is if we need to make cosmetic changes."

"!?"

"You're lucky, you've got a good bone structure, but many SRS patients need to look less masculine, which means cosmetic surgery."

He looked over the x-rays, making various approving noises.

"That's odd," he said, "this one's from a different patient."

"How do you know?"

He was looking at a pelvic shot.

"Here. The male pubic bone is joined by a rigid suture. A woman's pelvis is like this, with an arch of cartilage to allow for childbearing. The shape of the pelvis is also subtly different, though not outside the normal range for a young male."

He phoned the x-ray lab. By the time he put the phone down, he was looking perplexed.

"There's no mistake. They've had no other pelvic shots today. That's you."

"What does that mean, then? That I really am an alien?"

"No, it's just highly unusual. What makes you think you're an alien?"

"Private joke between Josie and myself."

"How'd it go, Ally?"

Josie was fretting like anything.

"Well, sis, it looks like I'm going to live."

She looked at me miserably.

"Apparently, I'm a normal teenage girl who's gotten herself into the wrong body. I got pills to take and I can have surgery when and if. I'll get the results of the blood tests by next week. Oh, and I'll be growing my own breasts sometime soon."

I looked at Aunt Etty.

"Aunt Etty?"

"Yes, dear?"

"You are a scheming, conniving old lady who has set up her niece good and proper. Thank you. I was just going to try to forget about Alysson and try to live out my days as Lamb. You've given me the chance to be myself."

I threw myself around the old lady's neck, and started sobbing.

"Do you feel up to going to the beach this afternoon, dear?"

"Of course I do, provided that I can find a sun hat. Where did you have planned?"

"Brook bay is nice, if rather crowded. Or we could head over to Whitecliff Bay."

"How about Whale Chine? It's usually quiet there, even if the sand is a funny colour."

"Where?"

"Whale Chine. It's a hidden beach a mile west of Chale. There's a car park and a walk down a series of ladders to the shore. There's always shade in the chine."

"That sounds nice. What's this about the sand?"

"It's made of tiny beads of dark brown. It comes from the green glauconite particles in the sandstone cliffs. It's really nice textured stuff."

After finding me a sun hat, a big floppy straw one and a pair of girls' sunglasses, we went to find lunch in Brighstone.

We sat at a table outside. I was wearing a sun dress with a sunflower print pattern. For the first time in forever I could see where I was and where I was going. I was going to be a woman where it really mattered.

I ate daintily. I had decided that I was going to be thin, or rather that I was going to continue to be thin. I didn't want fat hips, or a fat belly - the fate of most of my family. I was going to eat properly. I even refused the ice cream, and asked for a coffee instead. That was the first time I drank it black, and I never took it white after that. Sadly, I couldn't get away without sweetening it.

I took the first of my pills. They were standard contraceptive pills, but at a higher dose. A much higher dose.

"Hey Ally, they're not sweets, you know!"

"Read the label."

"Hey, Pips, these are the same as the ones I take, but she has to take four at a time. Why Ally?"

"Apparently, they inhibit the male hormones sloshing about in my blood supply, or is that boost the blood in my male hormone supply? Anyway, they're supposed to stop me turning into a man, and make me grow more like a woman. Including getting shot of the hairy chin and growing, ah, breasts."

"But you've already got a bust."

"But it isn't going anywhere. If I don't start a nice feminine growth spurt soon, I'm going to end up with a flat, hairy chest, right? Who'll want to date the bearded woman?"

"In some parts, a little facial hair is considered sultry and exotic."

"But my family run to curly beards and goat-skin chests - all 'airy and 'orrible."

"Never mind, you'll be able to make your living as a circus freak."

"Damn the living, I want a boyfriend. Oh!"

My face fell.

"What's the matter, Ally?"

"That's the other thing. Even after the op, I'll still be legally a man."

"Well, dear," aunt Etty said, "Marriage isn't everything it was. Why worry, when the tide of moral change is sweeping away those stupid social conventions. Live in sin like other people."

"I just wanted a proper wedding. Wedding dress, veil ... you know. And bride's maids. It doesn't matter. You're right, it's how you live that matters, not what conventions you are barred from following."

"Attagirl, now you keep smiling, and we'll go swimming."

I made my bikini debut that afternoon at Whale Chine. It was deep pink with a subtle abstract print design. It was also rather revealing, even for me. My new, super-secret gaff was incredible. It looked precisely as though I were a girl. Well, hopefully I soon would be. Please!

Andy was there with a few of his friends. We swam together, then lay out on the brown sand. He lay with me against him. After a while, he shifted and rolled over, to lie on his side looking at me.

"Alysson," he said, "how long are you stopping for?"

"A while, Andy. We're taking most of the summer break up at Hulverstone Farm. Why?"

"It's just that, ahh, I, uh, that is to say, I, umm, would like to, ah ..."

"I'd love to see more of you, Andy. But ..."

"You have a boyfriend." He looked disappointed and beaten.

"I do now. His name is Andy and I met him yesterday. The but is about me."

"What? Time of the month?"

I shook my head. "Well, I don't know how to put this, but, ahh ..."

"Oh, God, I saw you at the hospital. What is it?"

The concern in his face was frightening.

"It's alright, Andy. I have a problem with, ahh, how to put this delicately? I can't have sex, at the moment, no matter how much I might want to."

He looked shocked.

"It's nothing like that! What kind of girl do you think I am? It's a, ahh? A structural problem, I suppose you'd call it. I'm waiting for surgery to sort me out. Until then, I can't actually have sex. It may be a few years before they can fix me up."

"Why are you telling me this?"

"Because it wouldn't be fair to lead you on, and to have you expecting to take me to bed when I physically can't have sex. Besides, what else is a holiday romance about?"

"How about being together and sharing the beautiful scenery? Someone to keep warm with while watching the sunset when the wind's from the east? Dancing the night away? Someone to share a few secrets with? Hmm?"

I sighed. "And there was me thinking that all boys were pigs only after getting inside my knickers."

"I don't think they'd fit me, love."

My insides turned to jelly.

He leaned over and kissed my lips, tentatively at first, and then with passion. I remember putting my arms around his neck, closing my eyes and losing myself in the bliss of my first real kiss.

"Alysson's got it real bad, Gramma."

"That's alright, dear. You were like it once, yourself."

"I never! Besides, look at her. She's gone all gooey-eyed for some bloke."

Pippa's whisper carried to my ears. "But she's only just become, you know, a girl. She was still a boy until the day before yesterday."

"Hmm?"

"See? I told you she'd got it bad. Its all those hormones sloshing about in her system. I said she was taking too many."

"I don't think they act that fast, dear. It takes a few weeks for them to have any effect on your emotional state, and even that's a subtle change. No, this is all Alysson. I think that Lamb was a figment of Alysson's imagination all along. I don't actually think that Lamb ever existed except as camouflage. What do you say, Alysson?"

"Hmm. Whatever. Lamb? No, I dumped him. I hope that he'll just become another bad memory."

"Ally?"

"Yes, sis?"

"Lend me your boyfriend for the night?"

"Hands off. It took me forever to get him. Sixteen years! You go get your own. Besides, wasn't Richard trying to raise your blood pressure this afternoon?"

"Yeah, but he's a lousy kisser. I still can't believe how fast you worked on that Andy. I can't believe how long you made that kiss go on for. Sheee, sis, you've only been on the island two days, and you've landed the best looking boy on the island. What's the secret?"

"I'm a green-eyed alien with the power to melt the inferior male mentality, and to mould them to my twisted will. The air of the exotic helps."

"Exotic? Well, I have to admit, you are quite exotic, just not the way they think."

"Bitch! Thank you very much for reminding me!"

I felt as though I was going to die.

"Ally, I'm sorry, sis. Look, I'm worried that you're moving too quickly. One step at a time, else you're going to end up getting hurt. Bad hurt. I mean, what happens when he decides that he wants to take you to bed? How are you going to survive that without someone getting hurt, probably you, and badly?"

"I already told him that I can't have sex yet, that I'm waiting for surgery to fix a plumbing problem. He took it well."

"Was that before or after the kiss?"

"Before."

"Damn. It's worse than I figured. They've both got it bad."

She looked at Pippa. "We're just going to have to go trolling for better than we already got."

"Andy's got younger brothers - twins."

"Oh? Great. When do we meet them?"

"Depends where Aunt Etty takes us for dinner."

A shower, a shave and into another dress. Tonight I was wearing something a little less formal than last night, and rather more revealing. We all were. There was a barbecue and country dance at Brighstone Mill.

Andy's brothers, Rob and Steve were introduced to Pippa and Josie. That was almost the last I saw of either of them until we headed home late that evening.

"Alysson, you're one of my Dad's patients, aren't you?"

"Huh?"

"I heard them discussing a teenage boy who is becoming a girl. Apparently Mum had difficulty believing what she saw this morning, and Dad was saying that she really is a girl trapped in a boy's body. That's your plumbing problem, isn't it."

I was mortified. I wished the ground would swallow me up. I nodded.

"Ally, you kiss like a girl, you look like a girl, you talk like a girl, you walk and dress like a girl, and you even smell like a girl. I'll wait until you've had your operation, then we can see if you love like a girl."

I sobbed, "I already do love like a girl, it's just that I don't have the bits that other girls are born with - it looks like boy-bits."

"Then stop crying, Love. The night is young and we have the whole evening together."

I looked at him. He bent and kissed me. My insides melted once more.

We ate and drank, and then we danced. There were circles and squares, and other dances. We danced one dance that was a country-style waltz. I felt myself slipping deeper into love with the handsome, gallant doctors' son.

On my way to the ladies' room, I bumped into the two doctors Sorensen.

"Hello Alysson!"

"Please, everyone calls me Ally, doctor Sorensen."

"Well, how are you enjoying the evening? Have you been dancing?"

"Its super, thank you, and yes, I have a new boyfriend who has been teaching me the dances. I think you might know him. Andy? Got twin brothers who seem to have managed to get tangled up with Josie and Pippa. Excuse me, I need the ladies, and I don't want to miss the next dance."

I arrived back where Andy was waiting to find him talking with his parents. I sat down and he wrapped me in his arms.

"But Andy!"

"I know, Dad. She's already told me. Or rather, sort of told me, and I put two and two together from seeing her at the hospital this lunchtime. It's okay, Ally's a lovely girl and I'll stick with her for as long as she wants."

"But what about Alysson?"

"Doctor Sorensen, I didn't expect to find romance this summer. I didn't expect to find romance ever. I'm afraid it may be too late to back out. I think I'm falling in love with Andy. I don't want to hurt him, which is why I told him about me this afternoon. If he still wants me, knowing what I am, and what I was, then I want him right back.

"If he decides that he can't handle it, I will understand. Really understand. I'm not stupid, and I know that I'll probably end up getting hurt, but I've got a lot of time to make up. Besides, love is where you find it, not where you go looking for it, and I'm not going to pass up a chance on love - it may be my only chance, and we could all be dead tomorrow. Sorry.

"Anyway, if this turns out to be nothing more than a holiday romance, then so be it. At least we'll have good memories of this summer. If it lasts longer, so much the better. Either way, we get to enjoy each other's company, at least for a while."

"Well," said Mrs Sorensen, "I suppose we earned that. I still find it difficult to believe that you are so sure of everything. What was it you said this morning? Totally honest with yourself, wasn't it. Well, I don't think I could live with that level of self-criticism and the quite brutal logic of your mind. Yes, I think Spock is a good description."

Mr Sorensen chipped in. "Elaine, remember what I said about Alysson? She is possibly the most intelligent person I've ever met, and her mind operates in ways I don't even pretend to understand. Yes, I agree, Spock is probably closer to Alysson than any other description. I have seen the iron rigidity of her self-will.

"Alysson, I have never met anyone who reaches a conclusion about her self, and then not only accepts that conclusion, but also acts upon it by altering her own attitudes to suit. How you have adapted so quickly to your new-found lifestyle I don't even pretend to begin to comprehend, but if I could but learn to teach it, I would cure the world of all its psychological problems.

"I was wrong, you're not well balanced, you're mentally poised, a dynamic stability, and you're adaptable to boot. Just try not to get hurt, or to hurt my son. At least, not too much."

"I'll try. I love him already too much to hurt him willingly."

"Yes, I think you probably do."

They wandered off, deep in thought.

"I'm sorry, Andy, but ..."

"It's alright, Love. They are well meaning, but rather over protective. Besides, how does it look for one of their more unusual patients to be dating their son?"

"I don't think I'm unusual."

"I do. You're just used to yourself. Besides ..."

He bent to kiss me. I was beginning to have real difficulty with the idea that I couldn't go to bed with him, much as I desired him. My doubts were quickly erased in the wash of emotion that followed the meeting of our lips.

We surfaced for air just in time for the last dance, that last waltz that seemed to last forever, and yet was over all too soon.

Josie and Pippa had to be separated from their escorts by force.

The four of us piled into Aunt Etty's car.

The week passed in similar vein, the three of us spending as much time as we could with the three brothers.

Doctor Sorensen called in to give me the results of my tests. According to the results, I was a normal, healthy human being. There were some figures that gave cause for a little concern, however. My otherwise normal blood had slightly higher than male-normal levels of oestrogen and less than expected levels of testosterone.

"So what does that mean?"

"We're not actually quite sure. We'd like you to come in for some more tests because there may be implications for your continued treatment. We've booked you in for this afternoon."

So, another round of blood tests, this time they took a couple of tissue samples, which was not fun at all.

That night there was another dance at The Mill. The four of us arrived early enough to get involved in helping to set things up.

Before the barbecue was ready, Andy and I danced to the strains if the band warming up. I felt as though I had lived in his arms all of my life. By the time the last dance was being danced, I was certain that I loved this man with all my heart and soul.

We were inseparable after that.

I was three weeks into my stay when Aunt Etty broke the subject of my A-Levels over breakfast.

"Alysson, I've been thinking about you and your A-Levels."

"So have I, Aunt Etty. I think I'd rather drop out than go somewhere half-way across the country. I don't want to leave, and I don't want to end up so far from Andy, either. At least we're only a couple of hours apart back home."

"That was more or less my mind, dear. I have an offer to make, but it would require the consent of your father. You know that Josie has lived with me since last summer, don't you?"

I didn't. Josie had never said, and I just assumed.

"Since her father died, she's lived with me. Susan, that's Josie's mother has been working away from home to keep their income up. I have, of course, my pension."

She smiled before continuing. "Well, we have, as you are fully aware, plenty of room in the house. You have lived as Josie's sister for quite some time, and I have to say that it is like having an extra granddaughter. Josie and I would like for you to come and live with us. You would still be able to visit your parents, but you would be able to continue your schooling as before. Would you like that?"

I just stared for a minute, my mouth open.

"Like that? Are you kidding? Of course I would, I love the idea. Oh, thank you. Thank you thank you thank you." I gave my Aunt a hug, and then had a wicked thought.

"Aunt Etty? Is seeing my parents compulsory?"

She started laughing.

That afternoon we went back to the mainland to see my father.

"Hello, Dad."

"I'm sorry, who are you?"

"Sorry," I shifted my voice. A difficult exercise now. "Right, Wotcha mate!"

I started giggling at the boggling expression on his face.

My voice shifted to what I now considered my own, a more feminine sound.

"Daddy, I have a request to make. I've been invited by Mrs Rawlings, Josie's Grandmother, to live with them while I do my A-levels. That way I don't have to leave The Nut'Utch, and I can be with my friends. Please say that I can stay. Please?"

"But - but - but ..."

"Sorry, Daddy, was there something?"

"But, what's this thing with the ..."

He gestured.

"Oh! I forgot that you didn't know. I've been dressing as a girl for ages."

"You turned queer or something?" There was a nasty edge to his voice.

"No, not like you mean. No, I just prefer being a girl. I want to make it a permanent part of my life. I always wanted to be a girl, and now I am doing something about it."

"That's sick! Why would I let you do something perverted like this?"

I slapped his face, rattling his teeth.

"Daddy! You're a bigot just like my mother! Don't you care if I'm happy? I am, you know. I've got a boyfriend and everything!"

"And I suppose he screws your arse like some queer!"

I slapped him again, harder, this time. I'm afraid I drew blood. "No he doesn't. He said he'll wait until I can have an operation to make me like a proper girl. How can you be so, so, so foul? I've lost a lot of sleep over this, and a lot of tears, and for the first time in my life, I'm happy. If you won't agree, then I'll just have to leave home and get a job and support myself as best I can."

He dabbed his split lip.

"What about your mother? Don't you care about me?"

"Dad, you've spent the last two years and more out getting laid, to put it in terms you will understand. I have had to be responsible for my self. I'm not your little boy any more, I'm pretty well an adult by any standards. As for my mother, I love her dearly, but she's a narrow-minded, domineering, evil woman who we are both better off without.

"Besides, if I'm not at home with you, then you have all the privacy and freedom you want or need. You can take your girlfriend home without the embarrassment of a teenage son or daughter inspecting her as a potential rival for your affections.

"Now, are you going to put up or shut up?"

He sighed. He seemed to collapse in on himself.

"It'll be so lonely without you, son."

"That's daughter, if you please. Please don't make it any more difficult for me, it's something I simply have to do. My name is Alysson, now. If you choose to throw me out, then so be it."

He sighed again.

"Well, I suppose my little girl had to fly the nest some time. Will you be packing your own things?"

"Yes Daddy, and thank you for understanding."

"No, I don't understand. We must have gone wrong somewhere..."

"No, Daddy, you didn't. This is of myself. I am a girl trapped in a boy's body, a nasty twist of fate, and that's all. I'm just lucky I found out now and not later. I'll be back when I said I would be to pack."

I gave the creep a hug. He pulled out his wallet and handed me some cash.

"What's this for, Dad?"

"To help with the cost of your holiday. Try and enjoy yourself so ... girl. I'll see you in a couple of weeks. Your Nan will be here."

As if waiting for that cue, the doorbell rang. He went and answered the door. It was my grandmother, she came in with her other half, Peter.

Aunt Etty and my father disappeared into the kitchen.

"Hello, Nan," I said quietly.

She did a double take.

"I'm sorry, but ..." She stared intently at my face for a moment.

"Judas?" She was the only person to ever use my real name. She pronounced it as You-dahs.

"Yes, Nan, except that I'm Alysson now."

"Well, you've grown into a beautiful girl since I last saw you! You know that if you had been christened with a proper name, you'd have been an Alison all your life, don't you?"

"I didn't know. I'm sorry for giving you a shock, Nan."

"Surprise, yes, shock - no. I guessed last time I saw you, just before Easter. You hadn't cleaned your eye-shadow off properly. I'm glad you're happy now."

"Does it show that much?"

She smiled.

"By the way, Peter and I are buying the house from your father. We're moving to the coast at last."

"Well done Nan. I won't be far away, I'm going to be staying with Mrs Rawlings while I do my A-Levels."

I gave her a hug and said my goodbyes, and we returned to the Island.

"Your father is quite concerned about your mental wellbeing, dear. I told him that you had been seeing a psychiatric doctor who was quite convinced that this is for the best. He has agreed to pay for your keep while you are living with us.

"I think that you need to give some consideration to what you will be bringing with you."

"Yes, thank you, Aunt Etty. There is just one thing, though."

"What's that, dear?"

"Can I call you Gramma?"

The woman stopped and turned toward me. I wasn't sure about the expression on her face. There were tears brimming in her eyes.

"Of course you can, dear."

I barely heard her murmur, as we embraced, "if only you could have been our Alysson."

We arrived back at the farm, where Andy, Josie and Pippa were waiting.

"Well? How'd it go?"

"My father is a nasty, sick, bigoted little creep. He used exactly the same expressions about me as he did about Jace! But, he has agreed to let me stay. I don't think he was going to, but by reminding him that he'd get privacy with whatever poor girl he takes home, he agreed."

A voice echoed from the front room. "And what, pray tell, did your father say about me, Alysson?"

Jace walked into the kitchen.

"Jace! What are you doing here?"

"I live here, ducky, I live here."

"Where? Close by? I thought you lived down Grove Road."

"Only during term time. Mum and I live up at The Plantation. We've been away, got back yesterday. Anyway, what did the creep say?"

"I'm not telling, but it wasn't nice. I slapped his face for it."

Gramma Etty chipped in. "Twice, actually, and she split his lip. And if Alysson hadn't slapped him, I would have. I can't believe that a professional man should have such a crude turn of phrase, nor that he should be so offensively prejudiced. Now Jace, enough about that, how were the Azores?"

"Wonderful, thank you Aunt Etty, but it's so nice to come home. And to find that Josie's sister is going to be around for a while yet. Speaking of which ... Alysson, did your brother ever figure out an answer to the straight question?"

I had to think hard. Finally it dawned. "Ah, yes, I see what you mean. Straight. By the way, Jace, I gather that you've met my boyfriend Andy?"

"Yes, I know Andy. I probably shouldn't gang up on him, but he hasn't stopped talking about you since I arrived. Congratulations, dear."

He gave me a hug. By the saints, he was strong. I thought that he was going to break all of my bones.

At last I was allowed time to spend alone with Andy. We sat under a beech tree and just snuggled. He played with my hair as I sat with my head on his chest.

"Alysson, love, I thought I'd better tell you where I'm going away to college this year."

Without malice I said, "pig! You said you wouldn't leave me."

"Nor will I, love. I decided not to go to Uni. I'm going to Portsmouth Poly to do a computer science degree, half time. I've got sponsorship and a job with IBM at North Harbour. I'm going to be living just up the road from you, with Pippa's folks."

"You mean that you're going to move in with Pippa, and you're going to be seeing her! Pig! I hate you!"

He laughed.

"C'mon love, you know she's my cousin. Beside, it's the best way for me to be close to you. In any case, she's got scraggly hair, a squint and buck teeth compared to you."

"Mmm, I'm not convinced. I still think you just want to get inside her knickers."

He pushed me away so that he could see my eyes.

"Alysson," he said, looking deep into my eyes, "I love YOU. You're the one I want to share the house with. You're the one I want to share my life with."

I searched his face. I could have drowned in his eyes. I tried to fix this moment in my mind as it was already held in my heart.

"I know, love. I want to, too. Not yet, just not quite yet."

I returned my head to his chest, partly to hide my tears. He felt them anyway, and buried his face in my hair as he held me close.

The afternoon cooled into evening, and I was called in to get ready to go out to dinner. We cuddled and kissed goodbye, and then Andy was gone, walking homeward across the fields, leaving me watching his retreating back.

I whispered after him, "goodbye, my love. I'll see you tomorrow."

We were going to the Yacht Club in Cowes, so once more it was into my finery. Tonight, I was celebrating. Tonight I wore the deep blue dress that Josie had picked out for me in the shop. I wore one of my new pairs of earrings, understated hoops of chased silver. I dressed, in fact entirely in deep blue and silver. While I was showering, Josie had put away the shoes I had selected, and put out for me some three-inch spikes.

"I can't wear those! I'll break my neck!"

"You can and you won't. They are perfect with that dress, beside, I'm going to wear the burgundy, and with those shoes we'll be a perfect match."

I reluctantly agreed, and spent twenty minutes tottering around until I managed to twig the secret of walking in stilts.

Dressed, I have to admit that those shoes did finish the picture off perfectly. Josie and I were dressed seemingly identically, she in burgundy and gold, I in blue and silver. Pippa emerged from the recesses of the closet in a deep green dress of similar cut. Her jewellery was of an oddly greenish hue. And she'd dyed her hair dark to match Josie and myself.

I quipped, "hey, Pips, what's with the funny-money metal? It's gone green on you. And who'd you pinch the hair from?"

She grinned. "Yeah, Ally. Anodised aluminium, it comes in any colour to match your dress. Perfect for tonight. And it's your hair, I want to pick up a decent date tonight, not one of the little boys I've found so far."

In a haze of our individual scents, the three of us stepped out that night like a trio of matched pistols.

We entered the Yacht Club and eyes turned our way. Silence descended as we quietly tapped our way across to our table with Aunt Etty.

There were four men sat already at the table. They stood as we approached. Andy, Rob and Steve were there and helped us to our seats. The fourth man turned out to be the headmaster of our school, Mr Blake.

Once we were seated, the normal quiet sussurus of people's conversation reasserted itself.

"That was quite an entrance, girls," Aunt Etty told us later. "I don't think I've seen that happen twice before in my entire life. Yes, I suddenly have three grown up young ladies in my company."

"Edward, I think that you know the three girls? Josie, Pippa and Alysson."

He looked perplexed.

"I recognise Josie and Pippa, but Alysson? I'm afraid I haven't had the pleasure."

I smiled, answering, "we have met, Mr Blake, but I may have looked rather different last time you saw me. Rather more of a tomboy, I'm afraid."

I saw the light go on in his mind.

"Miss Slaughter, of course. I apologise, but you are correct. You have changed out of all recognition since we last met. I trust that you are well?"

"Yes thank you. I find myself better contented now that I'm no longer trying to be a tomboy."

I was interrupted from further comment by the arrival of Jace and his mother. Jace was dressed immaculately, as was his mother.

The small talk continued until the meal began. Between courses I danced with Andy. With my high heels, I now reached his shoulder. I found that with those spikes on my feet, I moved with a much more gentle and sedate sway to my hips, and that I was forced to be led around the floor. When the man I loved led me, I followed joyously.

I had one glass of wine, any more being enough to make me tipsy.

When the coffee arrived, Mr Blake said to me, "Alysson, I gather that you will be returning to school this autumn."

"Yes sir, Aunt Etty has offered to give me a home until I go to University."

"So I hear. I am concerned for you. It will surely be difficult to return to the school after such an upheaval, when so many people knew Judas?"

"Yes, I know, but this is what I want, and what I need. Everybody knows my brother, but nobody knows me. I was considering asking to be known publicly as Alysson Rawlings, in order to divert some attention. Beside, if Jace can take the prejudice, I'm sure that I can."

Out of the corner of my eye I saw Jace puff up with pride.

"On top of which, sir, I can still take care of myself. I have continued with my karate and judo practice."

Mr Blake chuckled. "Yes, I'm sure that the sister of Judas Slaughter is more than capable of looking after herself. As I recall, your brother was often in front of me for fighting. I note that he never seemed to have a mark on him. His opponents, however ..."

He left the sentence hanging as his head swivelled toward Jace.

Jace's face was purple, and he was having difficulty breathing. At last he let out a guffaw of laughter. When, at last, he regained his composure, he looked at me.

"What did you say your brother's name was? Judas? Lamb? Really?"

"Yes, Jace, that was his name. Something odd about it?" I asked archly.

"No. No, really. It's just such an unusual name, that's all. I always wondered why he kept his name to himself, now I know. I'm sorry, Alysson, I really will miss Lamb, but I do think I prefer the company of his sister. It almost makes me wish I were straight."

He giggled, then added, "Never mind. I feel as though I've known you all along, and that Lamb was just a ghost, a sort of mask."

"If what Mrs Rawlings said on the 'phone to me is correct, then, Jace, you could be right. Miss Rawlings?"

I looked at the headmaster. "Yes, Mr Blake, I think that Lamb was there purely to protect me until I was ready to emerge into the light of day. I don't think there ever really was a boy called Judas Slaughter."

The conversation freewheeled around for a while, and then we got down to the serious business of dancing. All too soon there came the last dance of the evening. The band leader announced that they were dedicating the last dance to me, a young lady so obviously and deeply in love. Andy twirled me across the floor, my feet barely touching the ground.

He took me home with him, and that night I slept in his arms.

The remainder of my five-week holiday drew to a close, and I headed home, saying my long, long goodbyes to Andy for the rest of the month.

I arrived home to find my father and grandmother in residence.

"Hello Daddy, Nan."

"Good holiday, dear?"

"Yes thank you, Nan."

"Son, don't you have a word for your daughter?"

He just glowered and sulked.

"Never mind, dear, you go on up and start packing. Don't worry about getting everything, Peter and I will look after your things for you."

"Thanks, Nan. By the way, where is Peter?"

"Got himself a job down at the boatyard. He's so pleased to be doing something useful again. He'll be back at six."

I went upstairs and started packing my things. My mineral collection had already gone into two small wooden boxes. My textbooks were already in library-boxes, so that just left my boy clothes and my personal effects, and the masses of geology-related equipment to sort out.

The boy clothes I sorted into three piles - unisex, rubbish and dress. The unisex stuff, mainly jeans and tee shirts, as well as my karate and judo kit, I would use for the original purpose intended. The rubbish simply went into bin-bags ready to be given to a jumble sale. The dressy stuff I packed carefully, intending to give to Josie, just in case she wanted to pull another cross-dressing stunt. As if.

The evening meal, prepared by my grandmother, was a simple affair of chicken and chips with a generous helping of sweet-corn. I ate about half of what I was given.

She asked, "are you alright, Alysson?"

I answered, "yes thank you. I just need to watch what I eat at the moment. With the medication I'm taking, fat will just pile straight onto my hips and backside. I want to control how much and how it goes on, is all. Once I'm back to the martial arts come Autumn I can be a bit less strict with myself."

"Aren't you taking this all just a bit far, Judas?"

I glared at my father.

"Daddy, I wish you would understand that this is something that is me, not some fad. Me. Secondly, I do not wish to be known as Judas for any reason - it is an ill-omened name to have saddled me with and it is not in the least bit a feminine name, and I'm not terribly taken with Judith either."

"Your name is Judas. That is the name I gave you, and that is the name you will bear."

"Then, father, we have nothing more to discuss. Ever."

I turned and left, going up to my bedroom to finish my packing, angry tears blurring my vision. A few minutes later, there was a quiet knock at the door.

"Alysson? Are you alright, love?"

"Yes, Nan. Come in."

She walked in and sat on the edge of my bed.

"Your father's being an absolute pig about this, isn't he?"

"Yes, I'm afraid he's an absolute bigot. He's a narrow-minded uncaring prig. I wouldn't mind, but he's taking his prejudices out on me. If he doesn't keep his bargain to pay my keep with the Rawlings then I'll have to take a job to keep myself, because I'm not going to compromise for the sake of his twisted principles.

"I'm sorry, Nan, that you're caught up in this. I was hoping that he'd at least try to come to terms with what I am, and with the fact that I'm not exactly what he wanted in a son. I'm not exactly what I expected, either.

"Besides, what has he got to crow about? He's done nothing these last two and a half years but go out and get himself laid, pardon my French, with any woman who'd have him. They can keep him. I want nothing more to do with him.

"What did he think would happen? That I'd get it out of my system over the summer? Did he think that I was just going through another phase, like liking anything green when I was four? Can't he understand that this is me? For crying-out-loud, what's he using for brains?

"Well, I'm just about done packing. Most of my stuff can go in the bin for all I care. I'll take my rock collection, my books and some of my old boy clothes - the jeans and tees and stuff, you know, dirty work clothes. I've got a wardrobe round at the Rawlings' place, and I've got plenty of clothes to wear. I'll be okay. I'll get Mitch to come round with his Dad's van and he can help me move my stuff out in the morning."

My grandmother looked at me in the full-length mirror on my wardrobe. Until that moment, I hadn't realised how much alike we looked. She smiled.

"It's alright, Alysson, I understand. There's no need to take your stuff. Your Dad's off tomorrow to his new house - we completed the purchase of this place today. Why don't you help by getting your stuff out of his furniture, and we can move in some of your own tomorrow when our removals van arrives tomorrow afternoon?

"If he doesn't pay your keep like he agreed, a 'phone call home, to your old Nan will fix things for you. You'll always have a place here, you know."

I started to cry.

"Thanks, Nan," I managed before becoming incoherent.

Morning dawned to find me still clothed, laying on top of my old bed, and covered with a duvet. My father was sat on the old chair I had used as a hanger for my old school uniform.

"Good morning, Alysson. I wanted to say that I'm sorry for what I said last night. I heard what you told Nan. I really didn't understand, and this all came as a bit of a shock.

"If you'd have confided in me ..."

"Look, if I'd come to discuss my predicament, my feelings with you, what do you think you'd have said or done? Hmm? Do you think that your reaction would have been any different? No? Nor do I. You are as ossified in your attitude as anyone in this prudish society. Everyone else accepts me for what I am, and for who I am.

"I was a miserable, screwed-up boy until I discovered what was really inside me. I went through hell over what I was feeling inside. Do you think you could have helped? Do you think you would have helped? Do you really know when I first discovered the woman inside me?"

He shook his head, no.

"Nearly a year ago. Do you remember that night when Josie was here?"

"Yes, that pleasant young girl that you were going to a restaurant with. I assume that you lost your virginity with her."

"In a manner of speaking, but not how you mean it. We were both cross-dressed that night. The 'boy' you called son, and in your filthy way suggested that he 'lay' that pleasant girl, was Josie. The pleasant girl that you were trying to get laid was me. I don't suppose that you even noticed how much alike we looked, but there again, since I was wearing make-up, I probably looked a lot less masculine than she did without.

"That was the first time. We had been rehearsing for a charity stunt all day. That was when I discovered my taste for cross-dressing. It was only around about Christmas that I realised that I wanted to be the girl I outwardly seemed to be.

"Oh, and for your information, I'd already lost my virginity, not that it's any of your business, with a previous girlfriend. She dumped me because I wasn't man enough for her. An astute observation considering what has followed. I didn't enjoy sex as a male very much."

I know, it was a lie, and a vicious one. I was still a virgin by anyone's measure, but the barb sank home. His jaw was slack, and the look of incredulity was a picture to cherish.

"Dad, shut your mouth, there's a fly looking for somewhere to hide."

His jaw closed with an audible snap.

"If you had taken any notice of anything but your own bigoted self, then you might have noticed a few things - Nan knew by the fact that I didn't always remove all traces of my make-up. I also developed a bit of a mince, usually on a Monday, while I was getting used to walking like a boy again after a weekend as a girl."

"But, son ..."

I glared at him.

"... but, daughter, what about the family line?"

I just laughed.

"What about it? You're nothing that a eugenics program would preserve, and I'm not even certain that my mother's human. I don't think anything natural is that nasty. So what's to preserve? I'm intelligent? So are a great many other people. I'm good looking? In a vaguely butch kind of way as a girl, just as I was in an effeminate kind of way as a boy. There is nothing special about my genes.

"The law, as it stands, says that I will be male for the rest of my life, so I'm not going to be able to have a proper wedding, at least not one that will hold up in law, and not in this country.

"If I'm ever in a position to adopt children, then I will. There are already too many children without parents. Besides, who says I was ever able to have children?"

That shook him rigid.

"Now, if you would be so kind as to leave me, I wish to get up, washed and dressed, and I can't do that with you cluttering up my room."

He got up and left without another word. I had a nasty feeling that the bit about weddings was the real nub of his problem - I think he was terrified that he'd be made a pauper trying to give me a church wedding. Ha!

I came down for breakfast in jeans and a tee shirt. As I was helping Nan to clear up, she looked at me sidelong.

"Alysson, I've just got to ask, dear, your, boozooms? Do you?"

I laughed at her peculiar pronunciation.

"No, Nan, they're home grown, and I've had them for three years. A bra just, err, gathers them up in one place is all. I hope that I'll be able to show off a bit more than I have at the moment once the hormones start having an effect."

"How long have you been taking hormones, then?"

"About five weeks. I'll be on them for the rest of my life, I expect. Once I've had the op, I won't have such a hard time with my body trying to revert to being a boy. All that horrible hair? Yuck-ee! I'll be glad to get rid of these horrid boy bits."

It was her turn to laugh.

I spent the day helping my idiot father to move out, and my grandparents to move in. At last everything was in, and my father made his farewells. He called me daughter and said to look after myself. He hugged me, and the filthy b' squeezed my buttock.

I went to my room to tidy away the things that I was going to leave with my grandparents. I walked into a room that I didn't recognise. Nan had made my bed. Some of my soft toys had emerged from their packing case and were atop my bed, which was resplendent in a bedspread with a pink rose print. The curtains matched my bed. I had a vanity table with a mirror, plus a full-length dressing mirror.

There was a pink-wrapped package tied with a pink ribbon on the vanity. The label said 'To our Granddaughter. Better late than never. From Nan and Peter.'

I untied the ribbon, and carefully stripped the paper from the box. Inside was a Barbie doll wearing a dress not unlike my deep blue one.

I sat and cried; the symbolism of the gift was not lost on me. I sat and cried for the times I knew I should have had, but hadn't. I cried for the missed years growing up as I should have done. I cried for my lost childhood, and for the fact that I would never experience the joys of childbirth. I cried sixteen years of life lived in the wrong body.

At last, I took Barbie and stood her on my vanity table, alongside my make-up case, so that I could see her when I was in bed.

I went and tidied myself up, and went downstairs.

"Are you okay, Alysson?"

"Yes thank you, Granddad Peter. Thank you for Barbie, she's beautiful. She's exactly what I've been missing all of these years."

He chuckled. "Yes, I can see she is. Now, your Nan wants to see you in the kitchen about something important."

I wandered into the tiny kitchen. My grandmother was there, perfectly scaled to the room.

"Ah, Alysson. I wanted to talk to you about something ... now, what was it?"

"C'mon, Nan, you're no more daft in the head than I am. Before you argue, thank you for the Barbie doll, she really represents everything that has been wrong with my life for all these years. I love her."

I started tearing up, but before I could break down, Nan 'remembered' what she had meant to say.

"Ah, yes. There's something else. I have to give you this."

She handed be a large brown envelope addressed to Alysson Melissa Judith Slaughter. The flap wasn't sealed. I pulled out the contents.

Inside I found a set of consent forms for my operation. My father had signed them; they were dated that morning. There was also a card containing a cheque for a large amount of money made out to myself. I read the card.

To my new daughter,
I am sorry that we parted with ill feeling between us today, it was not what I intended.
All I intended was to test your resolve before I signed the enclosed consent forms for your surgery before you are twenty one.
I enclose a cheque to help tide you over while you are finding your feet in the world, as a new person. There will be more. I have mailed Mrs Rawlings a cheque to cover your expenses for the next few months.
I wish you good luck back at school, and in order to make things a little easier in that respect, there is something waiting for you in the garage.
Lots of love,
Dad.

I looked at my grandmother.

"Come on, then," she said, "let's go find out what he's got you..."

She went bustling out to the garage.

As I stepped in, I saw nothing out of the ordinary. Then I saw a pink bow peeking over a crate.

Attached to the bow was a bicycle. A ladies' sports bicycle. Gone, it seemed, was my old dark-green-and-mud coloured cast-iron boy's bike designed for riding into the river, or in my case, the sea. Here it was, replaced by a genteel road bike in sapphire blue.

"Nan, who told him I like blue?"

"Guess! Do you like it?"

"Of course I do. I'll be able to ride to school with Josie and Pippa, without looking like a tomboy on a boy's bike."

"I think that was the idea. Now, when are we going to meet this boyfriend of yours?"

"When he comes over from the island. He's going to be doing a half-time course over at Portsmouth Poly, and he'll be staying with family, over at Pippa's. I'll drag him across one weekend."

"Good, the sooner, the better."

After dinner I received two 'phone calls. One was from Josie to tell me that they would be coming back from the island the next day, and that they would bring the balance of my things home for me. The other call, however, was from Andy.

I sat murmuring into the handset forever. I couldn't put it down, I didn't want to let him go. I almost missed the kicker.

"By the way, Love, I thought you might like to know that I start with Big Blue next week. I'll be over from the island tomorrow, so I'll see you on Friday. I really must go, now. Love you. Sweet dreams..."

"Love you too ..."

Then I was talking to a dead line.

7. Back to School

Once we were all settled into our new accommodations, we started our next year in earnest.

Andy was ensconced in the spare room at Pippa's and I was sharing a room with my recently acquired twin sister.

My first day back at school was an eye-opener.

"Hi Lamb!"

"Sorry, you must be confusing me with someone else. I'm Alysson."

"Oh, you look just like a boy who was here last year."

"Oh, so I look like a boy, do I?"

"No, that's not what I meant."

"So this boy I look like, he looked like a girl did he?"

"Well, he did a bit. Quite a lot, actually. Some of the lads thought they'd gone, you know, a bit, ahh, queer, like. They'd started fancying him, like."

"You included?"

"No-oo, not exactly..."

The blush proved the lie.

"So, who was this boy, anyway?"

"Lamb."

"A Lamb is a cute though hairy, smelly creature with hooves and no brain."

"You know him then! You're much prettier than Lamb, but there again he used to pass as your sister's twin."

"You mean as me, then?"

"Ahh, err?"

"Ahh, lookee here. Lamb's wearing a dress. Innee pretty! Whassamatter, Lamb, you gone queer on us then? Did someone cut off yer dick over the summer then? Gizza kiss then li'l girl-Lambee!"

Wallop!

"Thank you, Arnold. Why are you being such a gallant gentleman?"

"Because Lamb was my friend, and so, I hope, is Alysson. I respected Lamb because he was willing to stand up and be counted. He pumped text-books as well as pumping iron. I can respect that. I respect, even more, that he would be willing to face the school's bullies when he decided he'd rather be a girl than a boy. Hell, Alysson, that takes more guts than anything I'd be able to do!

"Even as a girl, you're more of a man than I could ever be... Damn, that didn't come out how I meant it to."

"I'll accept the complement as it was intended, Sir Knight."

I kissed him, chastely, on the cheek.

"Alysson, tell me to shut up, if I'm being nosy, but I'm curious. What's it like becoming a girl?"

"Arnold, because you are a friend, I'll tell you. For me, it's like being released from prison. I can walk when I've been stuck, sat in a chair forever. All of a sudden, I can fly, when I've been earthbound for years. The only way you can find out is to try it."

"I don't think I'm ready to do that, just yet."

"I know. I meant, try doing something you've always wanted."

The week wore on:

I was breathlessly addressed ...

"Hello, I'm Nick. Look, this is kinda difficult, but, like, wouldja-go-to-the-sixth-form-dance-with-me-next-Wednesday?"

"Hello Nick. I'm afraid I'm already going with somebody, and my boyfriend wouldn't want me to go with anybody else."

My escort for the dance was Josie, wearing my old boy clothes. Josie had developed quite a taste for cross-dressing by now.

"Josie, you're not thinking of, ahh...?"

"No, sis, I just like the occasional power kick. Manhood's a fine place to visit, but I wouldn't want to live there."

"Amen to that, sis, amen to that."

And the next:

"Alysson, who was that dishy boy you brought to the disco?"

"That? That was Judas."

"Yoo-dass? Who is Yoo-dass?"

"That dishy boy I brought to the disco."

"Is he your boyfriend or what?"

"He's my 'or what.' My boyfriend works at IBM during the week, and he doesn't want to be hanging around some grotty school in the evenings."

"Then how do I get in touch with him, what school does he go to?"

"Oh, he's around here somewhere. Sorry, best I can do."

"Bitch!"

"Hmm-mmm. Nice to know my efforts are appreciated. Ask Josie, she'll be able to get in touch for you."

"Thanks, Ally."

"Ally?"

"Yeah, sis."

"Carole wants me to fix up a date with Judas for her."

"That's nice. You going to?"

"What does my sister reckon."

"Do it! You may enjoy it. Besides, I don't see you dragging any boyfriends about since the summer. What happened to the twins?"

"Oh Pips and I dumped them. They were only after one thing, which wasn't quite what either of us wanted. Ooh-Arr Ooh-Arr. Wham, Bam, Thank-You Ma'am. It was fun while it lasted, but you know what holiday romances are..."

"No? What are they?"

"Ah, yes, my sister doesn't do holiday romances, only the real thing. They're not supposed to last, is what."

"Ah. So? Are you going to fix up Judas on a blind date?"

"Natch. Of course I am, it'll be fun, either way."

"Don't forget that there's always the chance that she'll want whatever?"

"I don't have any problem with that. I mean, Pips and I ..."

"I always wondered. I've come between you, haven't I?"

"No, we're friends first, and the other thing? Well, whenever."

"How was your date with Carole, then?"

"Whoo-ee! That girl has it bad! She was all over me. That's a nasty case of hormones to the head."

"So, did she twig?"

"Only when she undid my zipper."

"And?"

"She sighed and carried on. We're going out again next week."

"Ally, what's Chris like when he's stripped?"

"How would I know? I don't use the boys' locker room."

"You used to."

"Shush! He's muscular, and those aren't just great pecs."

"I thought so. Did you know that he wears a sports bra?"

"No!"

"Yes! I think I'm in love."

"Pips, are you bi, by any chance?"

"The girl's got a brain! Full marks for observation, Ally! Yes, I like girls and boys. I also like you, but that's different. Yeah, I think I've got a breast fixation."

"Well, you've got enough of your own ..."

"Thank you for noticing. I'd let you have some of mine if it would help."

"Thanks, Pips, but I'm sure that I'll be able to go home-grown eventually. You just got a head start on me is all. I think he's probably a b-cup by now."

"Ohh, Bitch, you don't know how that turns me on!"

"I do now, you just told me. By the way, I never asked: Just why did you and Josie decide to make Lamb cross-dress? Was it a lesbian fantasy you were sharing, and acting out?"

The guilty blush told me the answer.

"Then thank you, Pips, I'd have never been able to fly but for you two. I'd have been condemned to a life of testosterone-bondage if you hadn't hatched your strange little plot. Just curiosity, but how did the fantasy end?"

She blushed even deeper.

"With Lamb becoming totally feminised."

She swallowed hard.

"Ally, I'm sorry. We shouldn't have done it, but we were both lusting after you, and the fantasy just, sort of got out of hand, and you ended up totally feminised, and it's just not like the fantasy, because its real, and we're responsible."

"Pips, do you hear me complaining? You've both been the best sort of friends to me, the best a girl could have. Maybe you did it to me, maybe you just acted out a role laid down by a kindly fate. Maybe you got some kind of vibes off of me and that triggered the whole thing. Whatever. I'm becoming what I should have been from the start. Tell Josie, if she feels guilty. I feel guilty for interrupting your love lives."

"Ally, you're the best sister a girl could have."

"Thank you. I try. Now, you try to smile a bit. I'll let you into a little secret, Pips. When I was still a boy, I used to dream of you and Josie. Naughty dreams. I sort of guessed that you were an item, and I had this silly idea of becoming a girl just to be with the both of you. So, you see? It comes even both ways."

We laughed and hugged.

We settled into a routine which consisted of five days of school, including hard work and hours of homework, and two days doing what we wanted. Friday night, and the whole of Saturday and Sunday I would spend with Andy.

Josie was dating Carole and Pippa was dating Chris.

We started going out on triple dates. A strange and surreal group, if you but knew the truth.

Pippa was completely smitten by Chris.

"Hell, Ally, he's got the best of both worlds. He's got a dick and he's got great tits. It's everything I love all rolled into one muscular bod. He was going to have them removed until I managed to get his shirt off of him.

"He was so embarrassed by his bra - you know, the sort that flatten them completely. Then I managed to get that off of him. You were right, he's a B going on for a C-cup. And he's all mine. We're perfect together."

"So, did you strip for him, then?"

"You know I did. I wanted to compare his with mine. You know, I think his are nicer than mine."

I grinned. So did Josie.

For some reason, Andy started teaching us a bit of computer programming and some of the technical stuff. Josie and I were both interested enough to follow the course, but Pippa tired quickly of it, but there again, her mind was on other things.

"Ally?"

"Yes, sis?"

"I think Pips has gone tit-happy."

"Probably something Freudian there."

"You reckon?"

"Yeah. Mind you, we're ones to talk. You're behaving more like Judas every day."

"It is quite attractive, kind of, being in charge of a girlfriend."

"I know. But don't forget that you are fond of your own femininity. You enjoy having a boyfriend."

"I know. I like it both ways, same as Pips."

"Be careful that you don't lose yourself in there. The lure is quite overpowering. Take this from someone who knows."

"Point taken, sis. I'll be careful, I promise."

"That's all I ask. I don't want to lose my twin sister so soon after finding her."

"Hey, Ally, are those tits of yours growing, or what?"

"I dunno. They're damned sore, but they don't seem to be anything but swollen."

"Careful, love, they're awfully sore at the moment."

"Sorry, Love. Does this mean that the hormones are starting to make a difference?"

"I hope so. The surgeon says that he can't do much about breasts unless he has something to work with. It seems to be taking forever, though."

"Never mind if they don't grow - I love you as you are."

"Hmm-mmm-mm. Nice man..."

Christmas arrived pleasantly. Josie and I sang a duet in the carol concert. I sang mezzo, she sang tenor. That sure went down well. Andy came to the concert and all of the girls were lusting after him, they were so jealous!

My routine appointment at the hospital called for a trip into Portsmouth. A battery of blood and urine samples, an examination by Dr Sorensen (Mrs).

"Well, Alysson, there appears to be progress, but not quite as much as I'd have expected."

"You mean I'm still hairy and only have sore nipples?"

"Sort of. I would expect to see a fining of your body hair, rather than any loss yet, and yes, they are sore, which is a good sign. We need to discuss the next stage of your treatment."

"Which is?"

"Well, really just progress as you are. Your psychiatric consultant tells me that he's happy that you are well along with your adjustment to being a female. For form's sake, he'd like you to complete a year living as a girl full-time before you go for surgery, but he isn't insisting.

"I have received the results from the tissue samples you provided in August, it takes at least four months to get the results. There is an indication that your gender choice may have been determined genetically, and it may have implications for your future."

"Is it bad news?"

"I really don't know. The field is far too new to be sure, but it may point to why your development is slower than expected."

"I'm not sure that I want to hear it ..."

"Would you like some moral support? I know that Andy is waiting for you."

I did a double-take.

"Would you mind ...?"

"Of course not. Besides, in a way, it concerns him, too."

Andy came into the consulting room, he looked worried. He took my hand, holding it tightly as Dr Sorensen imparted her news.

"Alysson, as you know the science of cellular genetics is a fairly new discipline. We still don't understand how most of the DNA in our cells determines what we become, indeed, we can only identify a relatively small number of genetic characteristics. One of the first of these to be identified was the chromosome determining gender.

"As you know, the sex of a human is determined by the X and Y chromosomes, a male has an X-Y pair, and a female an X-X pair. Beyond that, we know little enough. Occasionally an extra chromosome gets in, causing one of several well-recognised, genetically determined conditions, sometimes a chromosome is misshapen, relating to other conditions.

"There is no gentle way of telling you this, but your chromosomes indicate that you are, at least genetically speaking, already female. It may be that some simple error in the code has made you physically male, or it may be due to some hormonal effect somewhere else in your genetic code.

"Whatever, this may, or may not have ramifications toward your future treatment."

I was shaken rigid. What I had been told was that I was trying to become what I already felt I was inside, and that was what I was at the most fundamental level. It all made a horrible sort of sense.

"So, where does Alysson go from here?"

"I'm afraid I can't say for certain. There are possibilities that present themselves, but none are certain and none are easily reversible. Some possibilities are irrevocable, and I am loath to recommend them at this stage. Alysson?"

"Yes, I'm listening. I can't believe what you've said, but I'm listening."

"There are three reasonable possibilities present themselves:

"One - that we continue as at present, and hope that we are able to build you the body you desire and need.

"Two - That we remove the primary source of testosterone from your body, and hope that your body will then stop fighting us so hard.

"Three - and I say this out of completeness, and not as any recommendation to you, that we withdraw hormone treatment, and you revert to your masculine development."

"No! Not that. Not ever. Even though I may never be anything but a freak, don't make me go back to being a boy. Please?"

Andy stood and held me tight as I stood shaking and crying.

"There is a fourth possibility, but that would come later, as a last option."

"And that is?"

"Drastic cosmetic and reconstructive surgery at a later date, and do the best we can. This is definitely not a preferred option. Personally, I would recommend the first choice, since it is early days yet. You have been taking the hormone treatment for less than six months, and more drastic action is not yet indicated."

"Then why did you mention it?"

"Because, Andy, it would be unfair to not keep Alysson in the picture. She's an intelligent, and well educated young woman, and she deserves more from us than that. Beside which, if she needs to make difficult decisions, then being forewarned will help."

That episode almost spoiled my first Christmas as a girl, and would have done if I had let it. I managed to avoid an excess of my father and his latest paramour. My grandparents came round to Gramma Rawlings' for Christmas Day. We opened our presents together.

That was the best Christmas I have ever had before or since, even given that Andy wasn't able to get over to the mainland until Boxing Day. Besides all kinds of lovely gifts from everybody, Andy gave me a wonderful Raggedy-Ann doll. The label simply said, 'To my beloved Alysson, to make up for those lost years. With All of Love, Andy."

I still cry when I remember that day, and that wonderful, loving gift from my first and only True Love.

The time to my A-levels continued apace. I worked hard and played hard at school. I worked hard, too, during the school holidays, but mostly I spent time with my new family and my boyfriend. The summer came, and I spent the entire eight weeks with them on the island.

I had finally hit five foot three, and actually managed a B-cup bra, if I used a little imagination. I was still a rather hairy girl if I didn't shave.

"I think we're winning, Alysson. I can see the beginnings of a real woman in you. I was worried that we had started your treatment too late to give you the best, but I think that you're a late-developer anyway. We do need to keep an eye on the state of your body chemistry with the levels of hormones in your blood."

"When can I have my operation, then?"

"In good time. I think that early next summer would be good, just after your A-level exams?"

I nodded.

"I want to get rid of these boy bits soon. They're quite painful at times from being all crushed up all the time."

"I can only imagine. Tell me immediately if you start experiencing any real discomfort not directly attributable to wearing that torture-harness."

She smiled, she was convinced that my gaff was designed by a sadist for the torment of a masochist.

8 Downfall

A-levels came and went, and I was scheduled for surgery in late July. I went down with some dreadful gastro-intestinal infection three days before. So did most of the town. My operation was put back. I can only say that I was devastated.

I spent most of the summer inconsolable.

"Well, we can re-schedule for next summer. I'd like to deal with your testicles at Easter, though. It's not the recommended approach, but I think that it would be advisable. You are still not developing on-target, and I think I'd like to move things along just a bit faster."

University. I went to a distant college in Wales to study, Josie travelled to the same place. We were on the same course.

I threw myself into my studies as never before.

Just before the Easter holiday I fell ill. This time I was jaundiced. Not much, but enough. Andy came up to Wales and picked me up, taking me back home. Dr Sorensen saw me at the hospital in Portsmouth.

"I'm afraid it isn't good news, Alysson."

"I know. Jaundice means liver failure, doesn't it?"

She nodded. "I don't know that we can risk much more of the female hormones until your body has recovered a bit, and I'm afraid that we can't give you any part of your op until we can fix your liver."

"What are you saying?"

"You're going to go back a few steps before you can go forward. It probably won't make much difference in the long run."

"Can't you do my testicles and save some of the trouble?"

She shook her head. I already knew that it was no option with liver problems.

I was out of trouble by the new term, but I had lost weight and I still looked sick.

A few weeks saw me back in hospital.

"I'm sorry, Alysson, but it looks like your body just can't take the drugs we've been pumping into you."

"Then take my boy bits away. At least then I won't have to go back to that."

Dr Sorensen finally agreed to that. It wasn't to be. I got worse.

"For god's sake, don't tell Andy, he's got exams soon. Tell him I'm on the mend. Urrrrgh!"

I woke up feeling like something recycled. Andy was there. He stayed with me whenever he could, studying in my hospital room.

He passed his exams, and I missed mine, therefore failing my first year.

"Alysson, I have some bad news."

"What is it?" I was resigned to bad news.

"We've been trying a new drug on you."

"That's bad news?"

"No, but the fact of what it is and what effect it had is bad news."

"It's killed me? The way I feel, that could be an improvement."

"No-o, it's a drug which terminates the formation of testosterone in the male genitals, a chemical castration drug used to treat sex offenders."

"Great!"

"Ah, no, not great. It did nothing of great interest. We're not sure, but we think that your screwed-up genes cause you to produce more than the usual levels of testosterone elsewhere in your body. It is, after all, present in every human alive. The other thing is those elevated levels of oestrogen."

"Go on, make it worse."

"They do. Make it worse, I mean. We think that you might be oestrogen insensitive - that is to say that your body doesn't respond to the presence of female hormone in any significant way. All we seem to have succeeded in doing is shutting down your liver and delaying the later stages of puberty."

"Christ! So I'm going to turn back into a boy, and then into a man, whatever I do?"

"It looks like it. Look, you have a few options, but they're limited."

"So tell me."

"You can have your operation, but understand that you will be hairy, bearded and muscular, a man with a woman's sexual organs.

"You can go back onto the hormones, but you'll be dead of liver failure inside six months.

"You can go on as you are for a while, and hope for a miracle, or you can swallow your hope and learn to be a man. You're stuck with breasts, albeit fairly small ones, for the rest of your days, unless you want us to remove them."

I started sobbing. She took me in her arms and I cried myself to sleep.

I woke in a black depression. I was told I could get up, but I wasn't to go wandering about. I just sat there in a wheelchair staring at the floor.

Andy arrived. He'd taken time off work to see me. He pushed my wheelchair onto a balcony looking out over the fields and trees of the island.

"We need to talk, Love," I told him.

"What about? All I want to know is that you're on the mend."

"That's sweet, but this is serious, and I don't know how to begin."

"There's someone else, isn't there?"

His eyes were pools of worry and pain.

"No love, there's no one else. I'm a one-man-girl. I'm your girl for as long as ... well, for as long as I'm around."

He looked shocked. Terrified and so unsure of himself.

"It's that bad? Oh God! Alysson!"

He almost smothered me with his arms.

"No, well, not quite. I'm not sure where to begin. I'm not going to get much better, love, because this is so difficult. There's something wrong with my body, not in the obvious way, but in my genes ..."

I spent hours trying to tell him gently that I wasn't going to be his girlfriend much longer, not because I didn't love him, but because I wasn't going to be a girl much longer.

He looked devastated, as devastated as I felt. I was tiring, but I had to get his thoughts.

"I'll love you whatever you look like."

"Even though you'll be with a bloke as full of male hormones as you are? As hairy and rough? I was already pretty fuzzy when we met, and I've been shaving all over ever since."

"Even then."

"That's what I love about you, you're so sure of everything. I won't hold you to your promise. I'll always love you. You still have me for as long as you want me, that's my promise."

When I was out of hospital, I formally withdrew from University and went and found myself a summer job with a local software company.

"Alysson, why?"

"So that I can be with Andy until the end. I probably won't be able to pass as a girl for much longer. Besides, if I've got to swallow my pride and go back to being a boy, I'd rather not do it at Uni."

"I can understand that, sis."

"It'll be 'bro' before long, sis. I'm sorry. I tried, but somebody up there didn't love me enough to make me a miracle."

The end of term arrived for Andy. I went to his graduation dance (and stuck to mineral water - my liver was still pretty iffy).

Josie had made me a beautiful long dress in deepest blue. I did my best ever make up, and wore my best jewellery for Andy. Yes, this was for him, and only for him. I wanted him to remember me as beautiful, even though I would lose my looks all too soon. Regardless of what the future was to hold, I wanted him to be proud of his girlfriend.

"Alysson, you're the most beautiful woman I've ever seen. I love you forever."

He slipped a ring onto my finger. A plain, narrow silver band, and it sat on my wedding finger.

"'Till death us do part."

I broke down and cried.

Eventually I managed to get my act together. I fixed my face and we went to the dance.

He led me into the Union Dance Hall. Heads turned.

We danced together all night, going on even when everyone else had to rest. We waltzed, polka'd, and valeta'd. We bopped, jived and twisted. These were the days of Disco Fever, so we danced an impromptu disco hit, to the riotous applause of the entire house.

At last we left, and Andy took me home with him to the Isle of Wight.

I slept with him in his bed that night, and for the first time we made love as man and a would-be woman.

That was the most bitter-sweet moment in my life. In that instant, I decided to go and have the operation, and make the best I could as a half-woman, just to be with Andy.

The morning saw us on the road to Brook for a day out, the first day of our honeymoon, I suppose.

We never arrived, a bus travelling too fast, and on the wrong side of the narrow road, ploughed into us. I woke up in hospital. I was bruised and beaten, and I was concussed.

"Where's Andy?"

"Alysson ..."

It was Andy's mother. She had tears in her eyes. I knew immediately. She didn't have to say another word, I knew.

My life ended in that dark moment. Alysson's brief existence was snuffed in that single word, and was carried away in the floods of tears. After that, it was just ashes. There was little point in going on, my reason for living had been extinguished.

9 Afterword

They say that life goes on, and so it did. I'm a survivor. I quit my job and went and got myself a job somewhere else, once more as Alan Slaughter (my middle name).

I spent three years learning how to be a man - the walk, the voice, the bellicose attitude. Well, that wasn't difficult, after my experiences of life, I suppose hate and anger were all too easy.

I grew a beard over that summer to disguise my feminine appearance. A surprisingly easy task. In the weeks following my 'wedding' to Andy, and following his death, I buried Alysson's existence.

The worst thing is that I don't have anything of those joyous years left. Not a thing. The whole lot went to Josie to look after, and I'm afraid that I lost touch. It just hurt too much to remember.

Now I wish I had those keepsakes again. I wish that I had taken the surgery, since now, it's too late ...

I dressed as Alysson only once more, to accompany Jace to his graduation dance - he wasn't allowed to take a boyfriend, so he took me.

10 Thirty years on

I haven't seen Jace in ten years, but the photo of us lived always on his mantle shelf, along with one of Andy and myself in my beautiful blue dress, gazing into his wonderful eyes, still full of love and hope ...

I lost touch with Josie and Pippa about the same time. Josie was still living with Carole and calling herself Judas, Pippa married Chris. I'm the godfather of their two children, twins, one boy, one girl.

Arnold surfaces from time to time. He hasn't changed. Except in one respect - he lives with his partner, a young woman who started out life as a boy. Lucky girl, I really envy her, she's quite a beauty.

Still bearded, sadly overweight and balding, I sit here and still weep for my lost love, and for my lost life.

I married ten years ago, and am happy living with my wife. We don't have any children - that's beyond my ability, and we are getting too old to adopt a family, so it's just us.

In my heart of hearts, though, I'm still married to Andy. I, too, said "' till death us do part" but I also said "forever, love."

Perhaps, if I'm lucky, I can come back and spend a lifetime with Andy. Perhaps, even, we could start a family. I hope so. God's Truth, how I hope so.

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